The song I sing for you
by FilAng3l
Summary: Every heart has a feeling. Every feeling has a song. What do their hearts sing for each other? GCR! little NSR COMPLETE
1. Friend of mine

Disclaimer: CSI ain't mine  
  
Spoilers: doubt it  
  
Rating: PG-13 ..  
  
Author: Sab  
  
A/N: Well the first two chapters of this story are both just really short... it's all Grissom's thoughts and stuff like that. Anyway I hope you guys would take the time to read this and give me your feedback. Oh yeah, the song I used here is titled 'A friend of mine' explains the title of the chapter...lolz. It is sang by a Filipina Broadway singer, Lea Salonga.  
  
Chapter one: A friend of mine

_I've known you for so long_

_You are a friend of mine _

_But is this all we'd ever be? _

_I've loved you ever since _

_You are a friend of mine _

_And babe is this all we ever could be?_

I sighed as I look at the pile of paper work stocked on top of my desk. I have been working through this pile for hours know but it seems like I'm getting nowhere. Probably because I can't even focus on my work, though this is not new, why would I want to keep my mind on this boring papers if I can think about Catherine. But it's times like this when she's only a few steps away from me that I really don't want to think much of her, can you even imagine what she'll do to me if I get caught? I don't know if she could be more of a tease than she already is, but you'll never know... she never cease to amaze me. But I can't help but feel that something is wrong. So I raise my head from the folder I am currently working staring at and have been trying to work on for an hour now to ask her. "Cath, are you okay?"  
  
"Hmm?!" she looked at me with a shocked look. She was probably shocked; the room has been quiet for quite some time now.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked  
  
"Nothing" she shrugged.  
  
"If you actually thought I'd believe that I'll be insulted" I replied. All these years and she still tries to pretend, like I've ever bought it before.  
  
"It's no big deal Grissom" she answered, I would have insisted for her to talk more about what was in her mind but with her tone it's pretty obvious she has ended the discussion._You tell me things I've never known _

_I shown you love you've never shown _

_But then again, when you cry _

_I'm always at your side_

I'm comfortably sitting in my living room concentrating on watching the Discovery Channel when I hear a knock on my door. Now who could that be? I'm not expecting any company, oh maybe it's Catherine. She's the only one who comes by without notice. So I stand up and close the television. I opened my door and there standing outside I see the most beautiful creature God has ever created.  
  
"Uhh, Gris. Are you gonna let me in?"  
  
"Oh! Sorry!" I move back to let her in, and hurriedly went to the kitchen. I opened the fridge to hide my embarrassed face.  
  
"What do you want to drink?" I asked  
  
"The strongest alcohol you have!"  
  
I went back to the living room with two glasses. I handed her, her drink.  
  
"Are you know gonna tell me what's wrong?" I asked with a worried and a hopeful voice.  
  
"He dumped me" she muttered, as she stared at the glass she's holding.  
  
"What?" I asked in disbelief. She sighed and she looked at me with eyes filled with loneliness and anger.  
  
"He dumped me!" she repeated, this time it was clearer and louder and reflected her frustration. I moved closer to her, I placed my glass on the table and placed my arms around her, she leaned on my shoulder and I could smell her sweet scent.

I was about to go to dreamland again if I didn't feel something wet on my shirt. Tears. She's crying. My mind that just a few seconds ago was supposed to have a trip in fantasy world is now filled with questions. Why. Who. How. When.  
  
"He dumped me two nights ago." She said in between sobs. So that's why she was acting weird.  
  
"I went over to his place a few hours ago. I wanted to talk to him, to know why he broke up with me" she was trying to get the words out of her mouth.  
  
"Did he tell you why?" I asked, she nodded. She cried more then she raised her head and looked at me straight in the eye.  
  
"He couldn't accept my pass" she said. I held her closer to me as she cried more.

_You tell me 'bout the love you've had _

_I listen very eagerly_

_ But deep inside you'll never see T_

_his feeling of emptiness I_

_t makes me feel sad _

_But then again, I'm glad_

A few nights ago like last week Catherine has been blabbering non stop about this guy. And now, now she's crying about him... non stop.  
  
"He doesn't deserve you Catherine" I whispered in her ears as I try to calm her down.  
  
It has been hours, we are now watching T.V, or at least pretending too. I haven't paid any attention on the show and I doubt that Catherine has. We are still sitting on the couch. She has stopped crying now, my arms are still around her shoulders and her head is still leaning on my chest. We both feel comfortable in this position. I love it when we sit this close, I feel as if she's mine.  
  
"I wish I'd find a man like you" she said breaking the silence.  
  
"Huh?" I looked at her with a puzzled look. I am really not following her on this.  
  
"I want to find some one like you. Understanding. Caring. Smart and accepts me to who I am" she said with a genuine smile in her face she lifts her head up and looks at me.  
  
Okay so why would you want to find someone like me? Why not just me??  
  
I'm probably still wearing that confused look on my face as she sighed and resumed on talking.  
  
"I mean, if I meet someone who is just like you, I wouldn't be always crying! I want to find some one like you"  
  
Again why look for a clone of me if you could have me? Again she's looking at me waiting for a response.  
  
"Why don't you just have me so you wouldn't have to spend a hard time looking" I said  
  
She started laughing.  
  
Hey! I'm serious here!!  
  
I remained silent watching her laugh, and then she noticed I wasn't reacting the way she does, she looks at me quizzically so I smiled and chuckled... and she smiled and started laughing again._I've known you all my life _

_You are a friend of mine _

_I know this is how it's gonna be _

_I've loved you then _

_and I love you still _

_You're a friend of mine _

_Now I know friends are all we could be_

"Well I better go. I want to catch some sleep before going to work, and you have to go to sleep too!"  
  
I opened the door for her, she was about to exit the door then she turned again, she gave me a hug and a light kiss on the cheek. "You're a great friend, Gil!" she said and smiled again. I watch her as she waved good-bye from her car. I close the door as her words kept echoing on my mind... a great friend... friend...FRIEND.  
  
=TBC= 


	2. I believe in dreams

Disclaimer: CSI - don't own it; the song used - not mine

Spoilers: doubt it

Author: Sab

Feedback: -- I want!!! lolz

A/N: Okay, so just like what I said in the first chapter, this one is a very short one. To what I think this will probably be the shortest chapter. I don't think I can write anything shorter than this.. Anyway the song title is 'I believe in dreams' sang by Janno Gibbs - his a filipino singer incase your wondering. I am not sure if he is the original singer of this but anyway, it's his version that I am familiar with.   
  
Chapter two: I Believe in Dreams

_Lying in the room _

_Of my lonely room _

_Thinking of how to reach you _

_Dreaming of having you_

I have been awaked all afternoon. Since Catherine has left I never got any sleep. I can't stop thinking on her comment of me being such a 'great friend' I mean, of course that is a very nice compliment but she said 'friend'. And looking back at the little conversation we had, well that's probably why she just laughed at me when I offered myself. She thought I was joking. Why? Coz I'm her 'friend!' _I believe in dreams _

_and I believe in miracles _

_I believe that toy balloons _

_c__an reach and touch the moon _

_I__ don't have the courage and the will _

_To say the words but I can feel _

_That what's inside me is for real_

If only I could tell her how I really feel. But then again, she just looks at me as a friend. I close my eyes and try to sleep but every time I close it I see her there. Catherine is there. Okay I can't live like this forever! She said I'm a great friend... so maybe I could look at this the other way around. She said I'm a friend, I shouldn't let me being a friend to her be the end of it all, this could be a great start right?

_Oh and I know someday_

_ I'll have the chance to prove and say _

_Three simple words will come your way _

_I know I'll have a chance. Someday._

__

So maybe I'll tell her. Or should I just forget about it?  
  
I'd just decide on this when I wake up, I really need to get some sleep, then maybe I can see the answer of my question in my dream.  
  
Yea, in my dream.... in my dream.... in my dream I can see nothing but Catherine. I sat up and open the drawer on my bedside table where a keep a framed photo of Catherine. My heart flutters just at the sight of her. 'I love you' I whispered at the photo I was holding. Maybe someday I could actually tell that to her. And maybe I should really go to sleep now. _A chance for me to say _

_that I love you _

_Oh I love you _

_Yes I love you Oh I love you......_

Maybe I could tell her that I love her in my dream. Who am I kidding, of course I'll tell her. I always tell her I love her and she tells me that she loves me too – in my dream. But maybe my dreams could come true.  
  
I love my job, I have a good paycheck, my hearing is restored, as far as dreams goes, I could say that my dreams have been fulfilled, well all of it except for one. So maybe all my dreams could come true. Just like what I believe... that dreams, my dreams. Will all come true. _I believe in dreams _

_I believe my dreams _

_will all come true. _

=TBC= 


	3. Foolish heart

Disclaimer: CSI - ain't mine; the song - ain't mine!

Spoilers: doubt it!

A/N: The song I used here is titled 'Foolish heart' by a Filipina singer, Nina. Hope you'd enjoy! Oh, and don't forget to tell me what you think, okay?

Chapter three: Foolish Heart   
  
_I need a love that grows  
  
I don't want it unless I know  
  
But with each passin hour  
  
Someone, somehow  
  
Will be there, ready to share_  
  
Catherine is walking down the hall and was about to enter the break room when she took a minute to stop by the doorway to look at the two people inside. Sara was on her back, probably making coffee, and Nick is sitting and smiling ear-to-ear staring at Sara. Catherine smirked at this sight. She shook her head from side to side as she saw Nick's mouth starting to open, she walked in and placed her hand on Nick's chin to close his mouth.  
  
"You're starting to drool!" she whispered. Nick blushed and Catherine couldn't help but laugh.  
  
Sara turned around and greeted Catherine. She saw Nick's face in bright pink, she was about to ask him but then he spoke just before she could.  
  
"I. Uh. I have to go!" he stammered and quickly left the break room.  
  
"What's with him?" Sara asked Catherine.  
  
"You spent more time with him, why ask me?"  
  
"Well he's been acting weird"  
  
Catherine shook her head, "Sara, Sara, Sara"  
  
"What?!"  
  
Catherine just giggled and left. She stood by the doorway of her friend's/ supervisor's office. She stood there watching him work and a smile crept in her face. She was going to offer her help to him, on his paperwork but with some strange reason she found it relaxing on just watching him.  
  
Grissom felt a pair of eyes watching him so he raised his gaze and saw Catherine in the doorway. "Is there a reason why you're staring at me like that?"  
  
"No reason" she answered as she made her way into the room she sat down at the opposite chair.  
  
"Want me to help you?"  
  
"Thanks but I'm done already" he said as he closed the folder.  
  
"Oh, okay. Wanna have breakfast?"  
  
"Are you cooking?"  
  
"I was actually hoping you'd do the cooking"  
  
"Fine! Don't you want to see Linds before she heads to school?"  
  
"She's at my sister's house"

_I need a love that's strong  
  
I'm so tired of being alone  
  
But will my lonely heart  
  
Play the part  
  
Of the fool again, before I begin___   
  
Grissom started doing the pancakes while Catherine sat at the nearby dining chair watching him.  
  
"Are you going to help me or are you just going to smile there and watch?"  
  
"I prefer the second option!" Catherine chuckled, as she stood up and started setting the table. Grissom finished up on making the pancakes; they sat down and started eating. There was a comfortable silence that filled the air until Catherine spoke, "He called me last night"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Anthony"  
  
"Anthony?"  
  
"You know, the bastard who dumped me!"  
  
"What did he want?"  
  
"He said he misses me, it took him one and a half month to realize that he is sorry and that he wants me back"  
  
"And?" Grissom's eyes were filled with curiosity, fear, worry and jealousy.  
  
"And. And.. I told him I don't want him back!" Catherine replied with a grin.  
  
"You make me proud"  
  
"I try!"  
  
They resumed on eating again. They talked about the last case they just solved Catherine also told him what an ass guys like Anthony are and that she's just glad that he isn't like those men.  
  
"Gris, I'm only going to say this once, coz I don't want your ego to increase 85% more than normal. But you know, whomever it is you fall in love with is just so lucky"  
  
Grissom smiled, sighed then thought 'If only she knew she's the lucky one'  
  
"Uh! I thought so!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I can see it in your face! Your ego just had a major boost!! I am never repeating that comment again!" she said as she had chewed the last bite of her pancake.  
  
Grissom chuckled, and Catherine rolled her eyes. She stood up and placed their plates in the sink "Anyway. I'll see on Friday"  
  
"Friday?"  
  
"I took two days leave, remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah"  
  
"Okay well I better get going, you take a sleep. Thanks for breakfast!" she said as she left. On her way home, she caught herself smiling and thinking about Grissom. She shook her head to change the topic that was in her mind. When she opened the radio she heard a love song, she sighed and again she started thinking about Grissom. She didn't really noticed it, when she got out of the car and opened her door and entered the house she realize that she's humming the love song and what's more surprising is she's thinking of the man she just had breakfast with while humming the damn song.  
  
"What the hell is happening to me?" she asked herself out loud_Foolish heart, hear me calling  
  
Stop before you start falling  
  
Foolish heart, heed my warning  
  
You've been wrong before  
  
Don't be wrong anymore___   
  
Catherine walked over to the living room, and a picture caught her attention. It's a picture of her, Gil and Lindsey. It was taken two weeks ago at a family fare held at Lindsey's school. Lindsey insisted for Grissom to come with them. Catherine reminisced the events of that day.  
  
Grissom picked them up early that Sunday morning. They headed at Lindsey's school. They ate lunch together, they watched the presentations, and they also joined all the family games. Lindsey and Grissom won on the father- daughter sack race. Lindsey also insisted for her and Grissom to join one of the games for parents. It was an apple-eating contest, an apple is hanged in front each couple, both the couple's hands are tied, and the goal is to finish eating the apple faster than the other couples. And having such great teamwork and a very enthusiastic cheering Lindsey, she and Grissom won. They also joined a paper-dancing contest, unfortunately, they didn't win on that, coz Grissom fell out of balance standing on one foot while carrying her. Catherine couldn't help but to laugh remembering what happened. She sighed, and placed the photo back. She went to the kitchen to grab some juice, while pouring the juice, she smiled again, she placed the box of juice down she leaned on the wall and sighed._I'm feelin that feelin again  
  
I've been playin a game I can't win  
  
Love's knockin on the door  
  
Of my heart once more  
  
Think I'll let him in  
  
Before I begin  
_She drank her juice. Still smiling and Grissom in her mind. As she finished washing the glass, she furrowed as a question hit her, "Am I falling for him?", she stared blankly in space for a few minutes... "Oh God. I am!"  
  
"This is not good. So not good!" Catherine inhaled deeply as she sat down at her couch. 'Oh damn! Stop looking at his picture!!' she thought as she caught herself staring at the picture she was looking at earlier.  
  
She stood up and headed to her bedroom. She was about to doze off then she thought, 'I hope Grissom's taking a rest' she sighed then she suddenly sat up straight, 'where the hell did that thought came from?'  
  
"This has got to stop!" she said out loud  
  
'So how do you control your heart again? Oh damn! Catherine! Well, it's not too late, I mean you haven't completely fell for him... right?'_Foolish heart, hear me calling  
  
Stop before, you start falling  
  
Foolish heart, heed my warning  
  
You've been wrong before  
  
Don't be wrong anymore  
  
Foolish heart  
  
Foolish, foolish heart  
  
You've been wrong before_  
  
= TBC = 


	4. I think I'm in love

Disclaimer: CSI - isn't mine, the song isn't mine either!!

Spoilers: none

A/N: The song I used here is titled, 'I think I'm in love' by a Filipina broadway singer, Lea Salonga!

Chapter four: I think I'm in love

_Is. This love Feeling restless inside_

__

What a beautiful day! It's been a great week, really. People in the lab have been telling me that I look like I'm glowing. Can you believe that? Oh well, at first I thought they just needed something but maybe...their actually telling the truth. I mean like five nights ago when I came in for shift after my two days of leave, I worked with Sara on a case. We found a DB stored in a car compartment, and when I checked in with Doc Robbins to ask on what he found out on autopsy, he said that I look different. I actually raised my eyebrow at him, and then before I left he told me that I look like I'm glowing. I rolled my eyes at Sara when she chuckled. People have been telling me that ever since I got back from my leave. Well then, after that I thought that maybe they just missed me, but after another two days, Hodges and Jacqui gave me the same compliment.  
  
Oh and you know what, just last night Grissom told me I look nicer than usual. I was going to hit him coz it was like an insult, then he added that it's like I'm glowing or something. I actually blushed at this.  
  
Oh, it's getting late I have to get ready for work.  
  
Again, here I am sitting inside my car parked right outside CSI building. A week ago I asked myself could you control your heart? Thinking back, I wonder why I always ask the questions with which have answers, I do not like. Well I have been in denial for a very long time. All this years I have been feeling something for Gil but I chose to ignore it. Recently I asked myself if I'm falling for him, like I even want to answer that! Well after that whole day of debating with myself and ending up with a major headache, I have chosen not to think about it anymore. And guess what! Not thinking about it actually relieved my migraine! I really haven't thought about it for a week, and now, now I'm here thinking about it.... and I can feel another headache coming.  
  
Oh there he is! I can see his car! He is parking his car next to mine! And he comes out of his car, wow, the headache that was creeping to come earlier is now totally gone. I lean my head on my seat; I smile as I close my eyes and inhale deeply getting ready to go out. I'm not really in a mood for work tonight... but if I don't get out of this car, I won't be beside him.  
  
I glance at my car window as I hear him knock on it. "Are you going to stay inside your car the whole night?" I hear him asked. I rolled my eyes, as I opened my car door. We walk side by side towards the CSI building. Mmmm... he smells nice!

_Wanting you To always be by my side _

_I don't even want you out of my side _

_You are in my thoughts _

_all day and night _

_I can't get you out of my mind _

_I think I'm in love_

__

I walk a little closer to him, I put my arms around his, it's actually just normal between the two of us when we walk arm and arm together, since we've been best friends for a long time. Well we don't really walk with our arms entangled at work just outside... and well now we're at work, but ... what the heck! He doesn't seem to mind anyways. His arm feels nice... I feel like a pervert! Wait a minute... I am! Oh damn, Gil, now look what you did to me.  
  
I feel my face flushed at the thought of this, so I removed my arm, he looks at me and I turn my head at the other side and lowered my gaze biting my lower lip, I can feel my face burning hot red!  
  
"Cath" he is trying to get my attention  
  
"Gris!!" I hear Greg's voice coming our way. "I found something on the samples" Greg said as he gasp for air, he handed Gil the paper. "Good work Greg. Cath, I'll see you later" he said as he left with Greg.  
  
Yay! Saved by the lab rat!! Oh Greg, I owe you one. Mental note, don't kick Greg's ass for a week, he has just saved your butt!  
  
I walk in the break room and found Nick, who is AGAIN staring at Sara's back.  
  
"Oh hey Cath" she greeted me as I enter the room and she made her way out. I sit next to Nick and I decided to interrogate.  
  
"Have you asked her out yet?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
Ahh. Just as I thought, he is playing innocent.  
  
"Sara"  
  
"Why would I – "  
  
"Save it Nicky! I'm not going to buy it. You are practically drooling over her, and by the looks you've been giving her, she might melt anytime soon."  
  
"I'm that obvious huh?"  
  
I smirk and nod. So here I spent a few minutes encouraging Nick, he is having doubts that Sara might reject him. And here I am, telling him that if he wants her he needs to take the risk. Since when did I become the love expert?? I ask myself as he started to shoot more questions. My plan was just to tease him a little not become a heart doctor!! Guess my plan backfired huh.

_I think I'm in love _

_Think I'm in love with you _

_Every single day Every single night _

_Every single moment of my life _

_I want to spend it all with you_

__

Warrick and Sara enter the room, Grissom was right behind them. Grissom said we'd be reviewing the evidences on the last case for the trial. I can't really concentrate.... I heard him saying something about what Greg found and that it will help a lot, I didn't catch it when he said specifically what Greg found.  
  
For some reason I can't stop thinking, thinking and thinking about something I am not so sure what.  
  
I'm really not sure if I am making any sense so right now I'm actually starting to get worried about myself.  
  
But I guess I'm going to be fine. I mean this only happens to me when he is sitting right next to me, like now. If he is here, I can't concentrate, probably coz I don't know exactly what I feel. And when I don't know what I feel, I can't think straight if I can't think straight how the hell could I act straight!  
  
So let me see, I have been constantly dreaming about him when I sleep, though I wouldn't want to admit it but I actually feel happy when I wake up after dreaming of him. When I wake up the first thing I think about is my daughter then him, sometimes it's him first then Linds and there are this very weird times when I think about the two of them both at the same time – not sure how I do that though. I think it's time I stop denying and start accepting this.  
  
Hmm... is this infatuation? – I don't think so! Why did I even bother asking that? Shit, I should have finished this thinking while I was at the car!  
  
Okay so might as well start to where I left off before. What was I thinking about before I thought of the coming headache and before I saw him coming, which made my heart, thumped.  
  
Where was I? Oh yea, I was thinking about what I felt for him before. Well, I've always felt this way all this years and I have chosen to ignore it, and now, now I don't think I can ignore it any longer.  
  
I think. I think. I think I'm...  
  
I think I'm in love.

_I think I'm in love _

_I think I'm in love _

_I think I'm in love with you_

__

I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love with Gil!  
  
I feel as my jaw dropped, and my eyes widened. "Oh shit!"  
  
Okay so maybe I said that a little too loud, coz I can feel all eyes in the room shifted and started staring at me.  
  
"You okay?" he asked with a worried look on his face as he placed his hand on my knee.  
  
Okay? You're asking me if I'm okay? I just faced reality man! And now, now I really want to run but I can't move coz I can feel your god damn hands on my knee and I can feel the bones in my body turning into Jell-O!  
  
"I'm fine!" I answered a little to abruptly  
  
"Uh. You. Um. You guys continue. I just. Ah. I just need to get some air" I stammered then stood up. I hurriedly exit the room and I head to the locker room.

_Tell me, that you care_

_Tell me...please _

_Tell me that you also feel _

_The way that I do..._

__

I sit at the bench and stare at my locker. I sit there as I go back twenty years ago.  
  
Everything that happened in my life started to replay in my mind.  
  
Now going back for probably the third time tonight, well it looks like. It looks like, it looks like ... I'm not the only who has been feeling something. Him too! Those looks, the smiles, the support, the care.... everything.  
  
Or is this just me wishful thinking?  
  
Does he care for me? Of course he does!  
  
But is this like friendly care? Or something deeper than that?  
  
All this years, has he been dropping hints?  
  
And why is it I just see this now?  
  
Am I just starting to misinterpret things?  
  
Or have I really misinterpreted things before and just seeing it clearly now?  
  
Am I really in love with him?  
  
How long have I been feeling this for him?  
  
Oh God! Major Headache!!  
  
"You know if you need air, I suggest you go outside, not in here!"  
  
I glance at the doorway to see Warrick standing there. Look at him with a smirk in his face, can't he see I'm having a self-discovery/dilemma/major headache moment here!  
  
"Cath what's wrong?" he asks, his tone changed from the teasing tone to a concerned one.  
  
What's wrong? What's wrong? Everything is so wrong!  
  
"Nothing Warrick" I lied. Though I know that he wouldn't buy it for a second, well it wouldn't hurt to try, and I just hope he gets the message.  
  
"Catherine."  
  
Okay so maybe he didn't get the message.  
  
"Cath!"  
  
The message Warrick! The message! Ggrr!!!  
  
Can't describe Words are just not enough Can't explain   
  
"You don't want to talk about it?"  
  
Oh thank god he finally got the message! So I nod to answer his question.  
  
I see him walk over and sat beside me. He patted his hand on my shoulder,  
  
"If you ever need or want to talk, I'll be here. Okay?"  
  
I sighed and nodded again. He was about to stand up when I asked, "Warrick, have you ever felt so lost?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I had some question that led to some kind of realization which led me on having this other questions, and whenever I try to answer it I just end up with another question... and now it's all a mess!!"  
  
"Let me guess, this realization stroked you while you were pondering with questions back at the break room?"  
  
"How did you guess?"  
  
"Well, I noticed you thinking deeply back there, but not even paying attention to what we were talking about."  
  
"I see. You're a very good observant"  
  
"Cath. Did you just realized that you're in love with some one?"  
  
"Are you some kind of psychic?"  
  
Oh shit! Me and my big mouth!! Catherine! Think first! Think first!! Damn it!  
  
Now he's smiling, what is he smiling about?  
  
"No I am not psychic, it's just that I have friend who had the same realization"  
  
"Let me guess, Nick?"  
  
"Now look whose psychic!"  
  
"I am no psychic. Your friend is just not that good in keeping it to himself!"  
  
It all happened to fast What exactly am I feeling right now If this is love I got to know somehow Just how long this madness will last 'cause I think I'm in love   
  
"So you're in love?"  
  
"No. Yes. Maybe. I think. Oh I don't know!!"  
  
I am so confused ... It all happened so fast. Well maybe not it's been an ongoing thing for years, but I just realized it ... or rather, it is just now that I can't ignore this any longer.  
  
"Your in denial"  
  
"Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know anymore!"  
  
"But you're considering it?"  
  
I take a deep breath. Hmm. let me see; well I guess I am considering it. But why would I even consider it if I'm not right? I mean there is no reason for me to consider it if I don't feel it, coz let's face it no one has even asked me that, so basically I'm the one who placed the thought in my mind. And I wouldn't have thought of it without any reason, this isn't something you think about in random about your best friend for twenty years!  
  
"Cath? You still with me?"  
  
"Oh sorry, I kind ah. Drifted off"  
  
"So are you considering it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You're not considering it?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
Warrick gives me a very confused look so I try to make it a little clearer. I take another deep breath, I'm gonna have to admit it someday, why not now?  
  
"I'm not just considering it. I think I really am in love"

_I think I'm in love with you... _

_I think I'm in love with you. _

_  
_  
= TBC =


	5. Don't know what to do don't know what to...

Disclaimer: CSI ain't mine the song isn't mine either

Spoilers: none

Feedback: oh yes please! I would love that!

A/N: Another song by Lea Salonga titled, 'Don't know what to do, don't know what to say'. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to tell me what you think!

Chapter Five: Don't know what to do, Don't know what to say

_ I have loved you only in my mind _

_But I know that there will come a time _

_You'll feel this feeling I have inside_

"Well we have three cases tonight. Sara your going solo, Catherine you're with me – "

"Uh Gris, could I just go in with Warrick?" Catherine interrupted. Grissom gave her a suspicious look. "I uh. I'm not feeling so well, this case with you is a double homicide in a room filled with dead animals and their organs, I don't think that'll help me much. I might throw up and contaminate the crime scene and possible evidence, I'll just take the home invasion if you don't mind" Catherine was able to quickly think of a reasonable answer to Grissom's questioning and suspicious look.

"Your feeling sick? Why don't you just go home and take some rest" Grissom's voice was filled with concerned the look he is giving her right now isn't really helping with Catherine's huge effort on fighting her urge of jumping to him and screaming out how much she loves him.

"No really it's okay!" Catherine replied as she stood up and quickly grabbed the file from Grissom.

"Come on Warrick let's go!" she called as she headed out the room.

Warrick and Catherine are settled in the car.

Warrick has been looking at Catherine as if analyzing her.

"Warrick, will you please stop staring at me"

Warrick shifted his gaze to the window beside him, after a few more moments of silence he turned to Catherine and asked, "Is it Grissom?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The guy you realized you are in love with?"

"Why would you think it's him?"

"You mean besides the fact that I have noticed you keeping your distance from him since that little talk we had at the locker room?"

Catherine looked at him for a second and looked back again to the road, "I don't know what you're talking about"

"You know, all this years, there has been this chemistry and tension between the two of you. Honestly speaking the way you two look at each other, it is way beyond friends. And I didn't just noticed nor realized that lately. Me along with all the employees of CSI Las Vegas have been seeing it for God knows how long!"

"Don't exaggerate Warrick"

"So why are you keeping your distance to him when you finally admitted it to yourself?"

Catherine remained silent so Warrick continued. "Is it because you are afraid that he'd notice or are you having a hard time controlling yourself on throwing yourself on him and spilling your guts out?"

Catherine sighed and thought that it is no use to deny it.

"Both!"

"What are you so afraid of?"

"Oh I don't know. Rejection? Ruining years of friendship? Making a complete fool out of myself? Scaring him away?

"He has loved you all this years Cath, you're the only one who doesn't notice it"

"Really?"

"Yes. Really" Catherine tried to consider this for a moment, and then decided this isn't the right time to think about her love life.

'I miss Grissom' Catherine thought, it's been two days since she last saw him coz he has been so busy working with Nick on that case that the two of them were suppose to be working at. But well since that 'little discovery' she had at the break room, she has been keeping distance from him. Well it has been three weeks since then and she misses him very much. She's been constantly dreaming of him every night, and found herself day dreaming every now and then, so she decided to muster up the courage and just tell him.

_ You're a "hopeless romantic" is what they say _

_Falling in and out of love _

_just like a play _

_Memorizing each line _

_I still don't know what to say _

_What to say..._

Catherine is now staring at her bathroom mirror practicing the little speech she has been trying to put together since that night that Warrick told her that Grissom has always loved her.

Catherine took a deep breath before going out of her car. She walked in the building full of confidence; her first stop is Grissom's office. She found the door closed, she knocked and no one answered, she opened it enough so she can take a peek if he is inside or not, and found the room empty. Catherine sighed and said, "Guess he's not here"

"May I know who are you looking for?" asked a voice from behind her. Catherine almost jumped out of her skin.

She turned around to see the man she was looking for, "Don't do that!!"

"What?" Grissom asked chuckling at the look he just saw in Catherine's face

"Creeping behind me!"

"So who were you looking for?"

"Oh I don't know I came by, stopped, knocked and peeked at Gil Grissom's office to look for Jim Brass!" Catherine said with sarcasm.

"Oh I see." Catherine playfully hit him in the arm. Grissom opened his office door and Catherine followed him inside.

"So why were you looking for me?" Grissom asked as he took his seat.

"Uh. Well."

"Cath, why are you fidgeting??"

"Huh? Oh! I, uh. I'm sorry." Catherine took her seat.

She tried to remember the speech she was practicing over and over again for two days now.

"Catherine what's wrong?" Grissom stood and sat beside her to the couch in his office. Catherine sighed, she looked at Grissom then bit her lower lip. She lowered her gaze then she closed her eyes, she sighed again and looked back at Grissom.

"Okay Catherine, you really have to tell me what is going on. This isn't like you, why are you so nervous? First you ran out of the break room, then you started avoiding me – "

"Well that's what I wanted to talk about." Catherine interrupted him, she placed her hand in his she looked at his eyes and tried to muster up the courage to speak, and unfortunately her mind blacked out and she forgot about the lines she has memorized, and so she decided to just tell him what she feels on the spot and forget about the practiced and prepared god damn speech.

"Grissom. We have been friends, best of friends, for years. You have helped me get a job here. You have been saving my ass for a number of times. You always take care of me. I know that you worry about me, and that you will always be there for me. And I want to say thank you. These past few days, I have been really mean to you, I have been avoiding you and I am so sorry. I just want to say that I. Uh. "

Catherine removed her hands from his and lowered her gaze, Grissom furrowed, he touched her face to make her face him. "You what?"

"I. Uh. I- "

'I LOVE YOU!!' she screamed inside her head.

"I. I missed you" she said looking at him, 'Well at least I didn't lie!' Catherine thought, as she embraced Grissom.

"You must really missed me" said Grissom as he patted Catherine's back.

"I'm sorry if I avoided you. It's just that I had a lot of things going in my mind and I felt confused and well... I didn't know what I was doing" Catherine said as she pulled back from the embrace.

"No need to apologize. But Cath, next time you feel confused, remember you could always talk to me. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So what were you confused about?"

"My feelings." Catherine stated then thought 'If he asks the right question this is going to lead to what I really feel and I'll spill it out'

"What do you mean?"

'And there he goes, and asked the right question. Deep breath Catherine. Take a deep breath.' She thought once again

"My feelings, on love. I had some sudden realization"

Grissom looked at her confused. 'Is she regretting she didn't take Anthony back?' he thought

"Is it about Anthony?"

"Uh. No. I mean, yes! uh yeah, that's right it's uh about him yeah it's about him!" she said as she put on a nervous smile.

"You regretting it?"

"Well I almost did but now it's clear and I just realized I did the right thing" Catherine lied.

_Don't know what to do _

_Whenever you are near _

_Don't know what to say _

_My heart is floating in tears _

_When you pass by I could fly_

"Well it's almost time for shift, let's go meet the others" said Grissom as he stood and got the file cases in his table.

He and Catherine went out to meet the other three members of the team. "So have you nailed the murderer?" Catherine asked refferring to the double homicide case, as the two of them walked

"Yep." Grissom answered as he opened the door, and saw the three CSI's waiting. Grissom gave out the assignments. Nick and Sara would be working together; Catherine and Warrick will be working with him.

After sometime the three of them went back to the lab to test the evidences they have found. They were all inside the lab, Catherine was looking at the swab they found under the microscope, she has been looking at the specimen for a minute, she glanced up and saw Grissom she smiled at the sight of him then returned her gaze to the specimen with her mind thinking about him. They were testing some of the cloths they found in the crime scene.

"You okay Cath?" asked Grissom glancing at Catherine who is standing right next to her

"Hmm?"

"You look tensed"

"No I'm okay"

"Uh Cath could I see you outside for a minute?" Warrick asked.

He led Catherine out the room, "What is it Warrick?" she asked when they got outside.

"Cath, you have to play it cool"

"Play it cool??"

"Relax! You look so tensed and nervous every time he gets near you"

"I don't know what to do when he's around!"

"Just be yourself"

"Are you saying I should pounce on him?"

"I'm not saying for you to loose your inhibition Cath"

"Right!" Warrick shook his head from side to side and smirked.

"What!"

"Nothing. It's just. Well I can't believe I'm seeing you like this"

"Like what?"

"Tensed. And like an in love teenager"

"A what?!"

"I've been catching you glancing at him smiling!"

"So you've been watching me?"

"No, I've been trying to talk to you about the case but even before I could talk I see you all giddy so I just forget about it coz I might burst into laughter!" he teased

"Me. Giddy. Catherine Willows, giddy? Those words don't fit in the same sentence Warr"

"I know. It's amusing really"

"Damn. I have it bad"

"Oh Yeah"

Both of them smirked. "Okay come on let's get back before he suspects" said Catherine as they both returned inside the room. When they entered the room Grissom gave both of them a suspicious look.

"It's ah kinda personal thing" Catherine tried to excuse when it didn't do anything to change the look and Grissom's face, "It's about Warrick's love life" she stated. Grissom just nodded and headed back to what he was doing.  
  
Warrick gave Catherine a look, "What! He was getting suspicious!" she reasoned in a lowered voice so only Warrick could hear her.

_Every minute every second of the day _

_I dream of you n the most special way _

_You're beside me all the time_

Catherine, Warrick and Grissom are now in their second shift. They haven't got any rest since they started on the case and none of them wanted to go home without finding another lead, they are so close but just couldn't get their hands on it.

The three headed to the break room to grab coffee. As they all got their coffees, Grissom grabbed the crossword puzzle he saw and started answering it, Catherine stood beside the coffee maker watching Grissom, while Warrick shook his head and smirked as he watched Catherine and Grissom. After finishing the crossword puzzle Grissom sat at the near by couch, rubbed his eyes, leaned his head to the wall and closed his eyes. Catherine sat at the other end of the room beside the table, placing down her coffee she glanced at Grissom who is now trying to rest; she placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin on her the palm of her hands as her mind started drifting away.

In her mind she's in Hawaii drinking cocktails with Grissom; after a few more seconds she's sitting in a beach towel which is placed on the white sand as she watched Lindsey and Grissom making sand castles, after a few more moments later they are in a park having a family picnic, she's preparing their meal as Grissom played with Linds and 'Gil Jr.'

_I have loved you _

_And I'll always will _

_Call it crazy _

_but I know Someday you'll feel _

_This feeling I have for you inside_

Warrick tapped her at the shoulder, which caused for her to break from her reverie or rather waked her up from daydreaming.

"Come on let's get back to work so you could head home earlier and daydream" Warrick teased.

"Uh!" Catherine blushed, she turned to see Grissom and saw that he is still in the same position earlier. Catherine silently thanked God that he didn't catch her.

Catherine grabbed more coffee as Grissom stood up and they all headed back to what they were doing. Though Catherine was feeling so tired, she couldn't stop herself from smiling, after all she is working with Gil. After one more hour they all called it a day and headed home. They were all an hour late the next shift, they all needed that extra hour of sleep. Nick and Sara, were done with their cases so they are now both in stand by in case anything comes in. The three headed back to processing what they found and at last they cracked the case after a whole night of working without a break.

"Is it okay if I take a leave for tomorrow?" Warrick asked

"Fine" Grissom agreed.

Warrick went the other way, headed to the locker room and left Catherine and Grissom alone.

"Wanna have - " Grissom took a moment to glance up on his watch, "Lunch?"

"That'll be great I'm famished!" Catherine replied with a grin.

_I'm a hopeless romantic_

_I know I am _

_Memorized all the lines _

_But here I am _

_Struggling for words_

_ I still don't know What to say._

Catherine and Grissom are now sitting on a restaurant and have finished ordering. They talked about the case and how exhausting it was. They also talked about Lindsey and Catherine started teasing Grissom to the cashier lady who is checking him out. Their meal arrived and they started to eat. Catherine got some food from Grissom's plate.

"Your food is delicious" Catherine complimented

"I like your meal better" said Grissom, they exchanged their plates and enjoyed each other's meal.

There was silence that filled the air. They both wanted to say something but both are not sure how to start.

'This is the right time; maybe I should tell it to him now. But what if he rejects me? Things will never be the same again if I tell him. So maybe I'll just tell him tomorrow. No! I have to tell him now.'

"Uh Cath"

"Uh Gris"

They both called for each other's attention at the same time.

"Go ahead" said Grissom

"No, you go first."

"No Cath"

"Grissom, you go first. I insist" said Catherine

"Wendy's here"

"Wendy? As in your childhood playmate, high school best friend became your fiancé in college, Wendy?"

"The one and only"

"So..."

"Well she's been here for a month now, and we've been going out for three weeks"

'So that's solves the mystery on why he doesn't seem to care or didn't even bother dropping by my house when I was avoiding him, not that I expected or liked for him to. But I wanted him to, I think.' Catherine thought then asked, "And? Do you love her?"

'How can I love her if I'm in love with you?' Grissom thought

"Well, I care for her and I enjoy being around her. We've remained friends after all this years." He answered as a matter-of-factly

"Gil, I asked if you love her"

"It's too soon to tell"

"You mean there's a possibility?" asked Catherine her voice in shocked, disappointment and jealousy; she has said the words before she could even think about it.

"Is there anything wrong about that?" he asked hoping that she'd say yes.

"Of course not. Honestly I really think it's great and I hope that you come to the point that you fall in love with her again, I know that you'd be really happy with her" she said in a haste hoping to cover up her tone on the earlier comment she made.

To Grissom's dismay, she said the exact opposite of what he wanted to hear. Grissom gulped, "Well, maybe. Maybe this could actually lead to something."

Catherine nodded with a smile, which is a complete lie then said, "Good for you"

"Uh. Yea" was all Grissom said.

For the past months he thought that his relationship with Catherine is starting to blossom to something much more deeper. Especially when they went to Lindsey's school, he felt that he belonged there that he belonged to them and that they belong to him. And obviously he was wrong, he realize this now then thought, 'I should stop with this. Wendy wants me; I know she told me ... she shows me. Catherine hopes for me to be with Wendy I'm sure about that... she just said it. So I guess there's no reason for me to pull myself to Catherine. She wants me as a friend, she hopes for me to be with Wendy, then fine.... I'll stop dreaming now, I have to face what's real.'

_Don't know what to do _

_Whenever you are near _

_Don't know what to say _

_My heart is floating in tears _

_When you pass by I could fly _

= TBC =


	6. A girl can dream

Disclaimer: CSI isn't mine. The song isn't mine either!

Spoilers: doubt it

A/N: the song I used here is titled 'A girl can dream' sang by Nina. I hope you'd enjoy this!!

Chapter six: A girl can dream

_When I was a child _

_The story would say  
  
somebody would sweep you _

_Off your feet someday  
  
that's what I hoped _

_Would happen with you  
  
more than you could know_

Catherine was lying on her couch, she shifts her gaze and she sees Grissom's face in the photo frame. She smiles lightly remembering him, her fantasies of him, and her hopes.  
  
She remembered when she was just a little girl, when she used to read about Snow White and Cinderella, when she has hoped to meet her prince charming. She met Gil, then she got married with Eddie, she thought of him as his prince charming but all those years of marriage Grissom has been her knight and shining armor from Eddie.  
  
After a marriage that could serve as a nightmare enough to last for a lifetime, she stopped hoping for prince charming to come and after a few more heart breaks she has totally stopped believing on such things. But that's not until she realized her feelings for Gil. After that realization, and just before Grissom told her about Wendy, she did not just believe on prince charming, she even started believing on happily-ever-after again. But that's it, it's hard enough to not let him know, it's even harder to watch him fall with some one else ... to watch him fall for some one else knowing that he thinks she supports it Grissom may think of it as a good thing or he might not even pay attention to what she said but either ways it wouldn't change the fact that what she told him back there was a complete lie.

She loves him, that's the truth, she knows it he doesn't.  
  
It's hard, it hurts it's true ... she knows it and she blames herself.

_I wanted to tell you that _

_My heart's in your hands  
  
I prayed for the day _

_when I would get the chance  
  
Just when I worked up The courage to try  
  
much to my surprise_

Catherine just finished cracking up the case which she did on solo, as she walked on a slow pace the hallway of the CSI building, her head bowed down and arms crossed to her chest. She didn't notice Warrick, Nick and Sara just passed by her; she headed to the locker room and sat in the bench there.  
  
"Was that Catherine?" asked Sara  
  
"Uh. Yea. I think" Nick replied mirroring the same disbelief and confusion in Sara's voice.  
  
"I think we should check out what's wrong?" Sara suggested.  
  
"I'll go in. She wouldn't open up with all of us in there" Warrick offered  
  
"Okay, we'll head to the break room" said Nick as he and Sara took off.  
  
Warrick entered at the locker room, he placed his arms around Catherine, and asked, "What happened?"  
  
"Three days ago I was going to tell him "  
  
"And..."  
  
"I chickened so I didn't"  
  
"Then what happened"  
  
"Remember the last case we had?"  
  
"Mm Hmm"  
  
"Well after you asked for the leave, we headed to go breakfast. We called for each other's attention at the same time, so I insisted for him to go first"  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"He's seeing someone"  
  
"And you didn't tell him how you feel?"  
  
"How could I? I even encouraged him to pursue it!"  
  
"Didn't he ask what was it you wanted to say?"  
  
"No"  
  
"And you didn't bring it up?"  
  
"I'm glad he didn't remember, and even if he did, I would have lied again"  
  
"Again?"  
  
"I encouraged him remember? But it was all a lie, it hurts so much and it's a lie."  
  
Catherine covered her face with her hands.  
  
"It's not a sin to cry Cath"  
  
"I don't have any tears left Warr."  
  
Warrick sighed, he wanted to help Catherine but he doesn't know how.  
  
"Warrick. Thanks." She said as she flashed Warrick a light smile  
  
"For what? I can't even do anything to help you"  
  
"You lend me your ears. That's all I need." She said, not sure was it possible but tears started to form in her eyes again. Sara knocked and peeped her head, "Is everything okay?" she asked.  
  
When Sara glanced and saw the tears starting to fall from Catherine's eyes, she entered the room and sat at the other side of Catherine. Catherine felt the tears and quickly wiped them off.  
  
Sara got Catherine's hands and placed it down to stop her from wiping her tears away. Sara bent her head to Catherine's shoulder; Catherine rested her head to Sara's; Warrick patted Catherine's back; Nick walked in, he saw this so he went over and offered a hug to the two women.  
  
"So why are we all sentimental here again?" Nick asked  
  
The three of them chuckled. "Cath – "Sara started, but Catherine cut her off, "Sara, I just don't want to talk about it anymore." Sara nodded.  
  
"Thanks guys. For being here."  
  
"We're always here to bug you Cath" said Nick.  
  
The four of them got out of the locker room and headed to the break room._You had somebody else  
  
Cuz these feelings I keep to myself_As they walk Catherine remained quiet. 'If I have told him how I felt instead of avoiding him or chickening out, would things be different?' she asked herself. 'If I didn't keep it to myself, would he be mine?'  
  
"Hey Greg!" Warrick greeted as they entered the break room.  
  
"I thought you guys left already. Where have you been?" Grissom asked as soon as the four arrived and Catherine broke from her reverie.  
  
Catherine sat down looking at the other way she sighed and thought, 'I don't want to think about this anymore.'  
  
"Uh - - "Warrick didn't know what to say.  
  
"We were at the locker room" Warrick finally managed to say.  
  
"All of you were from the locker room?" he asked with suspicion in his voice  
  
"We were uh – "Sara thought of the right word  
  
"Bonding." Nick stated.  
  
"The four of you who has been working for years decided to go 'bonding' in locker room?" he asked unconvinced, with a smirk.  
  
"It's a really cool bonding place Grissom, you should try it some time." said Catherine facing Grissom for the first time.  
  
Nick, Warrick and Sara laughed and reluctantly stopped themselves after receiving a glare from Grissom. All three were really glad to see Catherine joking around now thinking of how gloomy she looked earlier, and of course amongst all three of them Warrick was the one who is smirking inside, he was the only one who knew that Grissom the man she just out witted was the same man she was crying about earlier.  
  
Catherine stood up and got coffee then she faced the three younger CSI's.

"And because you three are such great bonding buddies, I'm gonna treat you guys to breakfast, so what do you say?"  
  
"I love bonding times!" Warrick exclaimed  
  
"Me too! Not only you get a free hug, you get a free breakfast too!" Nick commented.  
  
Sara rolled her eyes at Nick's comment.  
  
"Gris. Wanna come?" Catherine invited.  
  
"Why not."  
  
'We may not be lovers but at least we're friends. That's good enough for me' - Both Grissom and Catherine thought.  
  
"Can I come too??" Greg asked  
  
"The more the merrier." Said Catherine

_I may never get to hold you so tight  
  
I may never get to kiss you goodnight  
  
I may never get to look deep in your eyes  
  
Or so it seems_As they began eating their breakfast Catherine remained silent as she secretly watched Grissom from the corner of her eye, while everyone else watched Greg eat and have an animated story telling at the same time.  
  
Greg started choking but thankfully water was just beside him. As soon as he has gulped enough water he took deep breaths and every one was thrown into fits of laughter, Catherine on the other hand was smiling, no not because of the same reason as the four other people in the table. She was smiling not because of Greg, but because of Grissom.  
  
She watched as he laughed with the three other members of the team.  
  
She looked into his eyes thinking, she could never look deep in it and see it mirror the feelings she has for him.  
  
She stared at his lips for a second and realized she that may never feel it touch hers.  
  
She then glanced to his arms accepting the fact that she'll never feel it wrapped around her.  
  
She listened to his voice, then she closed her eyes to the fact that she would never hear that voice whisper sweet nottings to her ears.  
  
She opened her eyes again and sighed as this facts down on her.  
  
It hurts but it's true._I always will be wishing you were mine  
  
I think about what could be all the time  
  
All the happiness that I could find A girl can dream___   
  
Though she knows very well that all this are true, though she is trying her very best to accept it, she just can't stop herself from ....  
  
Imagining how warm his touch is.  
  
Dreaming of how she'll show her love to him, and his to her.  
  
Wishing, that there will be a time that this fantasy of hers may come to life.  
  
She just can't stop herself, she knows she has too, but she can't and she wouldn't.  
  
Her reason. 'A girl can dream'  
  
As long as she can be able to distinguish what's real and what isn't, she believes that it wouldn't matter in any way. As long as she doesn't hurt any one, any one but herself.  
  
Every time she sees reality, it hurts.  
  
Every time she opens her eyes, it hurts.  
  
Every time she wakes up, it hurts.  
  
But at least, every once in a while, she could think of him as hers ... even if it's just all in her mind.  
  
"Cath, you okay?" Grissom asked noticing her silence.  
  
"Of course I am." She said with a smile. She could see the worried look in Sara, Nick and Warrick's eyes. She can see the curious look in Greg's eyes. At first she tried to plaster a folly smile but when she saw concern in Grissom's eyes, her smile transits from a forced one to a genuine smile.  
  
"I'm good. Just tired." She said._From the moment I wake up  
  
'Til I fall asleep  
  
I imagine you not with her but with me  
  
Talkin' and laughin'  
  
Sharin' our dreams  
  
It's just a fantasy_Catherine crawled up to her bed. She closed her eyes and drifted to sleep.

* * *

They were walking down the parking lot. He opened the door of the SUV for her. She sat up and buckled herself as she watched him made his way to the driver's seat. She was seated quietly and relaxed when she noticed that the way he was going isn't the way to her place nor to his. He noticed her questioning look, she gave him a confused look which he didn't bother giving an answer.  
  
"Gil."  
  
He remained silent.  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"You'll see"

* * *

RRIIIIIIIINNNGGG!!! RRIIIINNGG!!! The ringing of her phone awakened Catherine. She got up to answer the phone and when she was about to reach for it the ringing has stopped. She lifted it and no one's in the other line. She wondered why her answering machine didn't work, she checked it and saw that it's out of battery. She silently cursed herself for not buying batteries, and then cursed who ever it was who was calling. She headed back to bed, she lay down and closed her eyes as she murmured, "Now where was I?"

* * *

They are seated at the green grass of the park. They were seating there looking up at the stars that glow up in the sky. His arms were around her, while a blanket wrapped the two of them. Her head was lying comfortably at his chest.  
  
"What are your dreams?" she asked  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Your dreams, hopes."  
  
"I've got all I need and all I want"  
  
"You have?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"All of it?"  
  
"I'm hugging it right now" he said as he tightens his embrace to her.  
  
She smiled. And know it's his turn to ask.  
  
"What about you? Mind if you tell me yours?"  
  
"It's hugging me right now"  
  
"Why... aren't you the lucky one?" he teased.  
  
He looked at her and planted feather kisses on her face.  
  
"When was the last time anybody told you how beautiful you are?" he asked  
  
"You, I believe. Just did a few minutes ago"  
  
"Have I told you that I admire you?"  
  
"Mm Hmm."  
  
"Have I told you that I love you?"  
  
She nodded, the smile never leaving her face.  
  
"Have I told you, you mean everything to me?" he asked again  
  
This time she looked at him, he met her gaze.  
  
"And you mean everything to me" she said, as he leaned and their lips met and locked into a passionate kiss.

* * *

She opened her eyes with a smile on her face._Cuz you had somebody else  
  
Cuz these feelings I keep to myself_She glanced at her clock and stood up. She soaked herself in the tub as her mind started drifting off to the dream she just had.  
  
Thoughts about the dream made her smile.  
  
She closed her eyes, and some where along the line of thinking of the dream she got lost.  
  
Now she's thinking on WHAT IF'S.  
  
What if I have realized it sooner?  
  
What if I have never have doubted?  
  
What if I never even tried to ignore it in the first place?!  
  
What if I have told him instead of avoided him?  
  
What if I didn't encourage him?  
  
What if I told him how I felt when we were at his office?  
  
What if I didn't chicken out?  
  
What if I didn't insist on him saying what he wants to say first when we were having breakfast?  
  
What if ....  
  
What if I stop this now and take the risk?  
  
At this last what if, Catherine stood up from the tub. She rummaged at her closet to find a perfect outfit. She carefully applied her make-up and made her way to her car.  
  
She got out of her car, she took a deep breath before starting to walk.  
  
"If you want him to be yours you have to do something" she told herself.  
  
She walked her way to the door and rang the bell, the door swung open ...  
  
"Gil, we have to talk!"_A girl can dream it's true  
  
And to call you my own  
  
Is the sweetest dream of all_=TBC= 


	7. Why can't it be?

Disclaimer: CSI aint mine. The song isn't mine either!  
  
Spoiler: doubt it  
  
Feedback: Please, please, please send me your feedbacks! Oh and thanks to the feedbacks that you guys gave me!  
  
A/N: Tell me what you think, hope you'll all enjoy!  
  
Chapter seven: Why can't it be?

_You came along unexpectedly  
  
I was doing fine in my lone world  
  
Baby please don't get me wrong  
  
Coz I'm not complaining  
  
But you see my mind is spinning___   
  
I open my door and as I open it I saw Catherine standing in front of me.  
  
"Gil we have to talk!" she blurted, she looks rather tensed, I wonder what she wants to talk about.  
  
"Uh. Okay" I replied as I took a step back to let Catherine in.  
  
"Cath is there a problem?" I'm really starting to get worried, she's pacing back and forth this isn't like her. She stops from pacing, she looks at me and she's now staring at my eyes.  
  
I watch her intently as she sighed, we took our seats on my couch and she placed and covered my hands with hers.  
  
"Gil, I can't do this anymore."  
  
I don't understand what she means so I just keep my mouth shut and let her continue.  
  
"I have been feeling this thing for God knows how long and I've been ignoring it. And now, well I can't ignore it any longer, I can't hide it anymore."  
  
Catherine removed her hands from mine, she covered her face, she stopped from talking. Ignoring? Hiding? What is she saying?  
  
So I call for her name to make her continue, "Cath."  
  
She looked up, she looked deep into my eyes, I feel as if I'm going to melt.  
  
"Gil, I want to tell you that I - -"_So why can't it be?  
  
Why can't it be the two of us  
  
Why can't we be lover's only friends  
  
You came along at the wrong place  
  
At the wrong time  
  
Or was it me?__   
  
_  
"Gil, honey who is there?" I glance at the direction of the voice that has interrupted Catherine.  
  
A lady with beautiful curly read hair and astonishing green eyes is standing a few steps from us.  
  
I stand up, and walked up to her, I placed my hand at her lower back and lead her near to Catherine.  
  
"Catherine, this is Wendy. Wendy......Catherine." I introduced and watch as the two women shook their hands. I notice as Catherine smiled but something is terribly wrong. Something is different with her smile, it seems a little sad. Is that tears starting to form in her eyes?  
  
"I finally met the famous Catherine" I heard Wendy commented, which made me blush. Sure I've mention Catherine a few times in our conversations but it wasn't that often! Was it?  
  
"Well I'll just leave the two of you alone, okay?" Wendy said, she kissed me good night and said good night to Catherine. Wendy is a very caring and understanding woman, she probably saw the same thing I'm seeing in Catherine's eyes right now... desperation, worry, fear and ... well when Wendy showed up, I don't know, a little hint of jealousy? – or was it me wishful thinking? Oh I don't know, but one thing is for sure, something is wrong. I watch as Wendy disappeared from the light, I glanced at Catherine she's staring at where Wendy was just a few minutes ago, and there's a look in her eyes that I've never seen before and it's making me worry.  
  
"Catherine, what did you want to talk about?"  
  
"Oh. Um. It's nothing"  
  
"If it was nothing you wouldn't have come over here at this hour."  
  
"I'm sorry for disturbing you, I didn't know you had company."  
  
"Cath. What were you gonna say." I insisted, I try to look at her eyes but then she just turned her head and looked the other way. I reached out my hand to touch her but she backed away with her head bowing.  
  
"I. Um. Ah. I have to go"  
  
I get a grip at her arm and made her look at me.  
  
"Please Gil. I have to go"  
  
"Not until you tell me what's wrong" I argued  
  
"I just needed to see you. Okay?"  
  
"Catherine." I spoke her name with an insisting tone as I loosen my grip on her.  
  
And unexpectedly she jumped into my arms and hugged me tightly. I don't know how to react so I just acted on what I want to do and hugged her back. I heard her as she sighed heavily. I know something is hurting her, and I know too that she was about to tell me something very important a few minutes ago, what I don't know is to what have happened that made her mood change. A few minutes ago she looked so determined, nervous yet determined to say something, it was like she was about to put all her cards on the table and she's ready for it but that look didn't last for long. Now she looks pained, like she's regretting something, I feel her hold on me tighten, I close my eyes as I feel her warmth.  
  
She moved away. She looked at me and smiled at me. Her smile was genuine, but her eyes were sad.  
  
"Bye Gil" she said, she brushed her hand to my face and walked away without looking back.  
  
I don't know what was happening. There was something to those words, like she was meaning something deeper.  
  
There was something about that touch. Normally I would feel aroused by her scent and touch. Now, I feel confused, worried and I don't know, pained? I stare and watch as she walked back to her car. I was about to follow her when I felt someone embraced me from the back, as I glanced I see Wendy smiling at me, I smiled back at her and when I shifted my gaze back to where Catherine was, she was gone already. So I close the door of my town house and lead Wendy back to what used to be my bedroom but this past few days has become our bedroom._Baby I dream of you every minute  
  
In my choice, you're always in it  
  
That's the only place I know  
  
Where you can be mine  
  
And I am yours but only till I wake up_I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I see the look in Catherine's face and it pains me. Everytime I try to erase it with good thoughts, you know what come in my mind?  
  
Catherine.  
  
Again, only this time she's smiling, she's laughing... and then it would come back to the look in her eyes earlier. She's been trying to avoid my eyes since she was interrupted by Wendy, and I wonder...  
  
I wonder what she was going to say  
  
I wonder what changed her mood  
  
I wonder what was wrong  
  
And I wonder why she kept on avoiding my eyes.  
  
Even though she was avoiding eye contact, I could still see a glimpse of what was it in her eyes.  
  
I feel so sleepy. But I can't sleep. I look at the person beside me, a beautiful woman curled up beside a mean man thinking of somebody else. But what can I do? I can't help it if my entire mind wants to think about is Catherine. And even if I control my brain, I am as sure as hell that my heart could never be controlled.  
  
O yea. That's right. My heart can't be controlled, I know that, but why am I still trying so hard to do so?  
  
And now, I'm starting to be thankful that I can't sleep. I know that once I fall asleep I would be dreaming about Catherine, and I wouldn't like Wendy hear me as I whisper Catherine's sweet name in my sleep while she's lying beside me.  
  
After that breakfast talk I had with Cath, I was convice that Catherine is just a dream girl and Wendy is the one for me. I was becoming really happy this past few days accepting that fact, the fact that even Catherine wanted me to be with Wendy, that Wendy wanted to be with me and that I was with some one I CARE for... like Wendy. But what happened earlier is still haunting me.  
  
The look in her eyes.  
  
The way she said good-bye.  
  
The way she touched my face.  
  
The way she walked away.  
  
And what was that she wanted to tell me? Was she going to tell me she's in love with me??... well, I think so, or am I becoming delusional? But I don't know. I'm not sure. That look in her eyes before she was interrupted by Wendy was full of passion, hope, and .... Love.  
  
And again I glance at the lady sleeping beside me, and now I ask myself.... Why can't it be Catherine lying right next to me?  
  
Has Catherine finally found feelings for me? If she did, then why can't we be together?  
  
I sigh as I realize... it is because of me._So why can't it be?  
  
Why can't it be the two of us?  
  
Why can't we be lover's only friends  
  
You came along at the wrong place  
  
At the wrong time  
  
Or was it me?  
_=TBC= 


	8. Jealous

Disclaimer: CSI and the song used – isn't mine!  
  
Spoiler: a quote from 'The Strip Strangler'  
  
Feedback: Thanks for the feedbacks and I would really appreciate MORE! (please!!)  
  
A/N: The song used here is titled 'Jealous' by a Filipina artist, Nina. Hope you guys would enjoy!

Chapter eight: Jealous

_Jealous of the girl Who caught your eye  
  
One of my darker days  
  
when you looked at her Where was I?  
  
Should have been in her place_

__

I came in too early tonight; I couldn't sleep so I decide to come in early, as I made my way out the break room and back to the locker room...  
  
"I found the clone! I found the clone! Who's the man? Who's the man!? I am!!"  
  
I froze from where I was standing to stare at Greg who is dancing like an idiot, yelling, he's the man!  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked as I watched him yell and jump like a little boy who got his first penny. And soon, I learned that he just won over Archie on some computer game. Could you believe he actually won over Archie? Oh well. That's Greg. Always the unbelievable! And I really mean that in every way possible!  
  
"You two shouldn't be playing. If Grissom finds out, you two are so dead" I warned them trying to suppress my laughter from watching Greg's face turn pale at the mention of Grissom finding out.  
  
"Oh please, please please! Don't tell him!" Greg begged as he made puppy dog eyes, I just rolled my eyes, nodded and leave. If I stayed there and watched him make those puppy dog eyes I don't think he'll appreciate me laughing my heart out at him.  
  
I still can't suppress the grin on my face remembering Greg's face...  
  
I sigh as I sat down the bench of the locker room. Hmm... clone ... Grissom. That brings me back on some weeks ago. I just had my heart broken ... AGAIN. I told Gil that I would like to find some one like him, hell! Some one like him? Why would I even dream of something like that! That is not possible! Coz there is no one like him! Oh god. I'm pathetic. I smile as I remember him actually offering himself. Hmm. I wonder if he was serious? But, well, guess I would never know now would I?  
  
I came by Gil's last night. I was so determined... I haven't been so confident and sure yet so nervous my entire life. I have managed to tell him that I have been ignoring it and hiding it, I have managed to say the explanation, but I wasn't able to spill out what it was I was really saying.  
  
I said, Gil.  
  
I said, I.  
  
But I didn't get to say love .... you...  
  
Well maybe I did. I did, in my mind. I screamed and shouted and I was proud to say ..I love you!  
  
But then she appeared by the hallway from his bedroom.  
  
From his bedroom. She called him 'Honey'. She kissed him goodnight. She gave him a smile.  
  
He touched her back. He smiled at her. He kissed her back. He watched her as she went back to bed.  
  
I left and he stayed.  
  
He stayed. There. In his house.  
  
With her.  
  
I can't believe it; she's there in his house! And she's sleeping in his bedroom! I had a lot of thoughts about what ifs the other night. But after seeing that woman in Gil's house, the only what if I could think of is...  
  
What if I was the one in her place?  
  
Never doubt, never look back ... that's how I live my life. Yea, right!  
  
I've been doubting the most precious feeling I have for the most special man in my life for years. I have been looking back at everything these past few weeks.  
  
Guess the way I live my life has changed. I can't blame myself for changes. Change always happens. I change. My beliefs change. My feelings change ... so maybe my feelings for Gil would change. Maybe.

_Here I am  
  
all alone imagining_

_What could have been  
  
if I had been there_

__

I wonder how often she sleeps over at his place. I doubt that my timing was just one of those bad timings when you come over on the most unexpected times when your friend is having a one night stand with someone.  
  
Gil said a few days ago that he's been seeing her for weeks. I remember that morning. I even encouraged him. I wonder if it's really serious. I hope not. But by the looks of it, I know that, that hope of mine is holding into plain nothing. They almost got married before, and well, now it's like the old fire is still burning and when she looked at him, the look in her eyes. She cares for him. I know that, I'm familiar with that look, coz that's the same look I've been having in my own eyes.  
  
When she smiled at him. It looks genuine and warm. I'm sure of that, coz that's the same way I smile at him. The kind of smile that I give to him and him only.  
  
When I said good-bye to Gil last night. It wasn't a simple good-bye, coz when I said good-bye I really mean it. No, I'm not going away. At least not physically. But when I said those words... I meant, Good-bye.. good-bye to my feelings, good-bye for hope.. good-bye to him. He looked happy, and so did she. So I would just have to move on.  
  
Last night, here at work right after I went to his house, well it was all well. He attempted to talk to me but dear old Greg interrupted us. And again, I made a mental note to be nicer to him. I wasn't in a mood for any confrontations; I don't think I ever would actually. So, thank you Greg!  
  
The entire shift I just played it cool. Whatever hell that means! At the end of the shift before I left he again attempted to talk to me, but before he could really say anything I interrupted him. I told him that I'm fine so no need for him to worry about anything. Yea that's right, he need not to be worried, that's the last thing I'll need to know if I want to move on, knowing that's he's worried about me will surely not help me in any way.  
  
Him worrying on me would just give me hope and fantasies, and I'll end up being a dumb hopeless romantic and an even more pathetic woman than I am now.  
  
I have to move on. I have to move on. I have to move on.  
  
"Hey Cath! You're the only one were waiting for!"  
  
I glance up and saw Nick. "Oh sorry!". I apologized  
  
I wonder how long he has been standing there. So I get up from the bench and walked back to the break room with Nick. So he tells me that he is already starting to give Sara hints of how he feels for her.  
  
"Hints? Nick, what planet are you from! You're the guy you're not suppose to be the one giving hints you're suppose to be the one getting one!"  
  
"Am I supposed to just wait till she gives me hints?"  
  
"No. You are actually supposed to tell her how you feel not give hints!"  
  
I look at Nick as he scratches his head.  
  
"Come on Nick it's not like this is the first time you'll be courting anyone"  
  
"But this is different"  
  
"You just really love Sara huh"  
  
"No actually I meant, Sara is different"  
  
So I playfully whack Nick on the arm and laugh.  
  
"No, but seriously. I really love her."  
  
"Aww.. so sweet Nick!" I teased and wear a big grin on my face as I watched Nick's face turn into red. "Stop it Cath!"  
  
I was still wearing that big grin on my face when I entered the break room. Then my grin disappeared like a flash.  
  
What the hell is she doing here?

_Jealous of the one Whose arms are around you  
  
If she's keeping you satisfied  
  
Jealous of the one Who finally found you  
  
Made your sun and Your stars collide_

_She's a very very lucky girl_

__

The damn bitch is here! And she's all curled up in Grissom's arms! Oh god, I feel my blood boiling! What the hell is she doing? Why can't she keep her hands off him? They're in a public place! Hello! That flirt!  
  
Okay, well, I did say that I'm going to move on but that's like a minute ago! I have just decided and successfully motivated myself to do so! I haven't moved on, I haven't even started so I do feel that I still have the right to feel this way. Why did he have to bring her here? As much as I know Gil, he doesn't like to mix his personal life with work, so I'm betting this is her idea.  
  
I'm still frozen to where I'm standing watching her talk to Greg, Sara, Warrick and Nick who just approached them. Gil is standing right next to her; none of them seem to notice my presence, which is a very good thing.  
  
"Oh hello Catherine!"  
  
Oh fuck she saw me.  
  
"Hi Wendy!" I greeted her with a smile. I never knew smiling could be this hard.  
  
I walked nearer to her to give her a hand shake, then she hugged me as if I'm a friend of hers. Aww, that's sweet of her. She's really nice and friendly, no wonder Grissom likes her. And honestly, I'm beginning to like her, and I still hate her at the same time. Oh god, I'm screwed!  
  
We all sat down, and of course she's sitting right next Grissom. I see her hands fiddling with his. Then she started chatting with everyone. Now, she's looking at me asking me stuff.  
  
"So Catherine, um. How old is your daughter?"  
  
"Lindsey is nine."  
  
I replied with a smile at the mention of my daughter's name.

_Jealous of the one who won your heart  
  
they say it's a perfect match  
  
She's gonna get to be where you are  
  
and I don't get better than that_

__

"Oh there's Brass, come on, I'll introduce you to him" I watched as Gil stood up and led Wendy by the hallway to introduce her to Brass.  
  
"They look nice together" I heard Sara commented.  
  
Of all people! Oh god Sara you have disappointed me!! You are the least of the people I would expect that comment from.  
  
Besides the fact that you use to have a thing for Gris which would probably be one of the reasons why I'm gonna expect that you wouldn't comment like that about him and some other woman you have just met five minutes ago.  
  
Sara, you are supposed to be on my side!  
  
Well, yes. Maybe we aren't the best of friends but still! You're supposed to be on my side here not hers!!  
  
"Yeah they do" I heard Nick agreed.  
  
Oh damn Nick, I so want to kill you right now!!  
  
"I don't think so" Greg argued, everybody looked at him.  
  
I really love this kid!  
  
"Well, I don't know. They do look nice together, and that's it. I think something's missing"  
  
"What do you mean?" Warrick asked.  
  
"Like, when you see Nick and Sara. They don't just look nice together. There's this something."  
  
"Wait, wait, wait! Me and Nick!"  
  
"Unless you prefer it to be me and you" replied Greg  
  
And before Sara could reply Wendy and Gil came back to the room. Thank god Nicky's at the other side of the room away from Greg, or else Greg would be dead by now.  
  
As I stopped watching Nick giving dagger looks to Greg, I glance at Wendy who is whispering something to Gil. Why does she have to keep on whispering stuff? Why can't she just go drag Gris somewhere outside and they could talk there! Why do they have to show it to me?  
  
My mind goes in to outer space trying to erase the images of me kicking that woman's ass and having Gil to myself. I've been so engross to trying to have myself control the next thing I knew Wendy's calling for my attention. So I glanced at her and smiled.

_She'll say you're fine  
  
Whisper words I wish were mine  
  
And they might have been  
  
If I had been there_

Wendy kept on talking to me, I secretly elbow Warrick from the side. I just hope he gets my message!  
  
Help Warrick! Help!  
  
"Uh. Wendy. Excuse me, I just have to talk to Catherine"  
  
Thank you Warrick!!  
  
Warrick and I stood up; we walked out the break room and to the hallway. I leaned my back to the wall and sighed.  
  
"Thank you so much!"  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"I was sitting three feet away from the woman who's been publicly displaying her affection to the man I wish is mine. So yes, I am okay!"  
  
"So what do you want to do now?"  
  
"I want to move on. And I can't decide to move on now and stare at that woman cuddling to him! Oh god. I just want to have some air."  
  
"Cath if you're trying to move on this would really be a great opportunity"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well if you move pass this now, then you can reassure yourself that you're strong enough to move on."  
  
"That's the problem! I don't think I'm strong enough."  
  
"I thought you said you've decided to move on?"  
  
"Yah. But baby steps!"  
  
"Well you just have to make one elephant step now then you can go back to your baby steps"  
  
"One elephant step?"  
  
"One elephant step"  
  
I look at him unsure.  
  
"You can do it"  
  
"I can't do this"  
  
"Yes you can"  
  
"No I can't"  
  
"Why don't you just look at the bright side?"  
  
"There's a bright side?!!"  
  
Warrick rolled his eyes.  
  
"There's always a bright side on everything"  
  
I think he'll be loosing his patience anytime soon. "Okay. Okay!" I replied, as we both head back to the break room.  
  
Bright side. Bright side. Bright side ...

_You know I'd fight the good fight  
  
If I thought I'd change your mind  
  
But if she makes you happy  
  
I would leave that dream behind_

__

What the hell! What bright side was he talking about? Sure there's all the bright side for that woman holding Gil's hands, but for me...  
  
I glance at everybody as Warrick went in; I'm still standing by the doorway. I see Gil smile at something Wendy said.  
  
Well, he's smiling, he looks happy. I guess that's all the bright side I'm going to need.  
  
I don't want to think. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to fight.  
  
It's enough. I've felt enough. I've had enough.  
  
I've hurt too much. And that's enough. I'm moving on, he's moving on... with her.  
  
I know how many times I've decided on so many things.  
  
I decided and convinced myself that no I'm not falling for him. But I was wrong.  
  
I decided and convinced myself that no this cannot be happening so I have to stop from loving him. But I was wrong again.  
  
I decided and convinced myself that I have to tell him no matter what. And again I was wrong.  
  
Now I'm deciding that I have to move on. He is happy. I know I'm not wrong.  
  
Now I'm deciding that I have to let go. I know I'm not wrong.  
  
This time, I know all my decisions on letting go and moving on is right.  
  
I'm moving on.  
  
I'm letting go.  
  
He is happy.  
  
I'd survive.  
  
I made all this decisions. I thought about all this things. I convince myself with all of this as I stare at Wendy's finger, the finger ...  
  
The finger where she wears a diamond engagement ring.

_Man, she better treat you right  
  
And give you everything  
  
Cause at the moment she doesn't  
  
I'll be waiting in the wings_

=TBC= 


	9. Before I let you go

Disclaimer: CSI- ain't mine, the song ain't mine either  
  
Spoiler: doubt it!  
  
A/N: The song I used here is 'Before I let you go' by a Filipino Band named Freestyle. I always seem to forget to mention that I have no beta here so all mistakes are my fault ... please forgive me! And I hope you'll like this ... enjoy!  
  
Chapter nine: Before I let you go  
  
I can still remember yesterday We were so in love in a special way And knowing that you love me Make me feel all so right   
  
I wave goodbye to Grissom and Wendy. Last night Grissom told me and the whole team that they are getting married. And now they came over to my house because Wendy wanted to personally invite me. Invite me for their wedding. And Grissom came over to tell me part of their plans, I'm not really sure why he even bothered telling me that stuff but he said something about me being such a close friend.  
  
He and Wendy will be going to Canada next week. Gil's going to look for work there, then they are going to buy a house for the two of them since Wendy's place isn't big enough for both of them, then they're going to do the preparations for the wedding which will be held in Canada.  
  
They also came here to ask me to be the maid-of-honor.  
  
I would be the maid-of-honor in Gil Grissom's wedding.  
  
And could anybody please tell me why I have to be the maid-of-honor? I want to be the BRIDE for god's sake!! But well, bride or not, I'm still expected to show up at the wedding, Wendy said she wants me to be the maid-of-honor since I'm the closest person to Gil so she wants me to play a big part in the wedding. And though it is against my will I gladly said yes.  
  
And you know, this whole thing is familiar to me. You know that movie? It's titled 'My best friend's wedding' starring the famous Julia Roberts. I loved that movie, but I didn't really realize how hard it must have been for her back then, now I do. She told him about her feelings the last minute, but it didn't turn out as happy as expected. In the end, she just had to accept it. So I'd just cut to chase and just go to the accepting part, I mean, I for one am no Julia Roberts so how could I win my best friend over if even Julia can't? But then again Wendy is no Cameron Diaz either.  
  
I can't keep doing this to myself!  
  
I ignored my feelings. Then I realize, then I deny, then I stall on when I'm telling him, then I go and decide to tell him then I found out he's with someone else then I tell myself to move on, then I get jealous, again I try to motivate myself to accept it and now here I am ... again analyzing my self and my feelings.  
  
In the end, I always come back to the original plan. To just forget about it, but I can't. I've been trying to, and it's just so hard!  
  
I am so in love with him. I know he loves me too. But I know that his love for me isn't anywhere near the kind of love I have for him. But I'm not really sure about that.  
  
Who am I kidding? 'Not really sure about that' - - I'm wishful thinking again!  
  
Warrick told me before that it's very obvious that Grissom has feelings for me. Maybe he does, but that doesn't matter now. He's getting married so clearly it is she who he loves not me. And whatever that is that he might have felt for me before she came back, it doesn't matter anymore.  
  
I love him. That's why I'm letting him go.  
  
Now that's the mantra I'm looking for!  
  
I love him. That's why I'm letting him go. I love him. That's why I'm letting him go. I love him. That's why I'm letting him go.  
  
I am so glad that Linds is staying at my sister's right now. I would hate myself forever if I let my daughter see me like this. Oh God, I'm feeling dizzy. This is probably caused by the amount of alcohol I've drank, I lost count at number nine ... I'm gonna doze off ...  
  
But now I feel lost Don't know what to do Each and everyday I think of you Holding back the tears And try it with all my might Because it's gonna left me standing all alone   
  
Oh God! My head hurts!! Damn hangover! But, well, a girl's got to work! All I need is one cup of steaming coffee and I'm all set. Trust me, if I don't show up at work and stay here tonight I'm going to be all pathetic again so, I better head off.  
  
Did you know, that it is really very hard to concentrate on driving and holding back your tears at the same time? Well it is. I find it really hard to focus on the road with blurry eyes and an even more difficult task to think on where I'm going while you try to hold back your tears. The route to CSI building is the same route I've been taking for years, so this is the first time that I find it hard, and what bothers me most is the fact that it doesn't surprise me. I've been having hard time on everything in my life right now.  
  
I had an addiction to cocaine. I was a stripper. I had an abusive husband. I got a divorce. My ex-husband died. I blew up the lab. I found out that my father was a murderer. And now this. You would think that after everything I've gone through a heartbreak is got to be the least of the things I would find difficulty on dealing with, and you know what? That's what I thought so too. But that was before.  
  
I never knew loving could be this painful. Even when I was with Eddie. I've never felt hurt this way. Probably coz when I was with Eddie, I felt a mixture of pain and hate for him plus I had Gil with me. Now, now I'm all alone. I have to face it all alone. Besides that, it's also probably because I didn't love Eddie as much as I love Gil. I've never loved anyone like this ... well, besides my daughter.  
  
Look I'm here! I have safely arrived to the office! Horray for me!  
  
Hmm. Well, I'm half - hour early, I hope Greg made coffee. Gil and I really love his coffee. Oh man, and there's that name again! Why can I not think of him even for a minute?  
  
Oh, and I just have to ask that huh? Like I don't know why!  
  
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own But baby before I let you go I want to say I love you I hope that you're listening coz it's true You'll be forever in my heart And I know that no one else will do So before I let you go I want to say.... I love you   
  
Mmmm. This is one good coffee! I came in the break room just in time for the freshly made coffee!  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Oh hey Warrick!"  
  
"You look a little groggy"  
  
"I have a little hang-over"  
  
"You got drunk?"  
  
I just nodded.  
  
"Why don't you talk to me?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Tell me how you feel. It would really help if you say it all out"  
  
"Well Warrick. What I feel right now. Is too painful for words"  
  
Warrick looks at me, I can see he feels pity for me, but more than that he's blaming himself that he can't do anything. Honestly, he has done a lot already, he's such a great friend, I don't know what I ever did to have a friend like him.  
  
"Don't worry Warrick. I found a way on how to get it all out"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Through songs."  
  
With that one last reply, I left the break room and headed to the rest room.  
  
I wasn't lying. I've been listening to music as I drink vodka. I even hum myself to sleep. Some people write poems to let their feelings out, me I've been dedicating songs to myself, to Gil and to what I feel these past few nights.  
  
Songs at the end of the day are all just a bunch of emotions. Every song has a meaning, every song has a feeling.  
  
And every feeling sings a song.  
  
Every person has this one song about themselves. I'd say the song I'm singing about myself my whole life is 'I will survive'.  
  
Besides that, there's also this song that we sing for the people in our lives.  
  
No I don't mean it literally! But seriously. Every one of us, we have that one song, that song when we hear reminds us of someone...  
  
Unfortunately, the songs I'm singing to Gil... well let's just say, the meaning isn't as nice as it's melody.  
  
I wish that we could be just like before I know that I could have given you so much more Even though you know I get that you are my love I miss your smile I miss your kiss Each and everyday I reminisce Coz baby it's you that I'm always dreaming of   
  
Hmmm. I just wish I never realized how much I love him.  
  
I just wish I never realized that I love him.  
  
I just wish I never loved him.  
  
Then maybe I could be happy for him. Then maybe I would not be this lonely. Then maybe we would be just like before. Friends.  
  
What am I saying? We are friends. That's what I'm so sad about. We are friends ... nothing more. Our friendship never changed. It's me who has changed. We did have some trials in our friendship, we started to drift apart but like what he said, we'll be fine. And we were, we became fine, even better than fine. But now, all I hope is that we never became fine, or that we were given more time before we became as good as we were several years before ... then maybe I wouldn't love him as much as I do now.  
  
Shift starts in a few minutes. I better get back to the break room.  
  
"Nick you're with Cath. You two have a Home invasion. Warrick, Sara you two are with me. We have a multiple homicide Oh and Cath, take Greg with you."  
  
"Okay. Come on Nick let's go." I said as I stood up. I just want to leave that room, I just want to be far away from Gil. I'm hurting so much inside, and the fact that he acts so normal just hurts even more.  
  
This is all my fault. I'm hurting so much and it's all my fault! I don't get myself. I know I have to move on, I want to move on, but it's just hard. I bet I'll be emotionless, if ever I get past all the pain I'm feeling right now.  
  
"Nick, you drive!"  
  
"You sure?"  
  
I nodded. I don't think I can drive the three of us to safety if my mind is like this. I have to sort things out. I have to forget about this, even for just a night!  
  
"Okay, we're here" I heard Nick announced.  
  
"Nick do the interview, Greg and I will be inside" I said as we went out the car.  
  
Okay Catherine, no more heart aches, no pathetic thoughts, no analyzing of yourself. You're in a crime scene, so you have to be in work mode!  
  
Because it's gonna left me standing all alone And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own But baby before I let you go I want to say I love you I hope that you're listening coz it's true You'll be forever in my heart And I know that no one else will do   
  
It's been almost a week since I saw Sara, Warrick and Gil. The three of them has been very busy on the case. So here I am, stuck to paperwork that and to Nick practicing his speech for Sara while Greg mocks him pretending that he's Sara. It's really sweet and all, but all those words about love that he keeps on saying just brings me pain. I almost got tears in my eyes with Nick's words but Greg's response and facial expression just brought me to fits of laughter.  
  
"I love you Sara" came Nick's last words  
  
"Oh, I love you too Nicky!!!" Greg responded with a high-pitched voice.  
  
"Hahahaha!!!! Could you two please stop it! You guys are killing me!" I said as I try to catch my breath  
  
"Stop laughing Cath! And Greg please! Just .... STOP!"  
  
I laughed more, and so did Greg. Nick started chuckling. As the three of us stopped on laughing ..  
  
"I can't believe the boss is getting married." Greg said out of the blue.  
  
Why did he have to remind me of that?  
  
"Me either."  
  
"What is so unbelievable on Gil getting married?" I asked, I feel as if it's an insult that they find it unbelievable that Grissom is getting married. Not because he seems to be cold and very private doesn't mean he can't feel and that no woman would find him as the man of her dreams.  
  
What am I doing? I don't need to defend him or myself for that matter. Oh, me and my love for the damn bastard! So pathetic... yet so true ...  
  
Enough Catherine! Enough!!  
  
"Well it's not that. It's just that, well.." Greg trailed off, Nick continued for him,  
  
"Don't get mad at us okay, it's just that we always thought that you two had a thing"  
  
"A thing?" I asked incredulously  
  
"It was just a thought." Nick and Greg said in unison. I watch them as both of them hurriedly exited the room.  
  
Hmm. A thing. Well, I just wish.  
  
And that's as far as it can be ... a wish  
  
Just a wish.  
  
So before I let you go I want to say....I love you  
  
Spending alone is never easy But I love you so that's why I set you free And I know someday, somehow I'll find a way To leave it all behind me Guess it wasn't meant to be my baby..   
  
Here I am, sitting in my car in front of the airport. What am I doing here? This is all Warrick's fault!! But I guess he is right though.  
  
He's leaving, he's going to Canada with her. He hasn't resigned yet, but he will. And I'm here coz I have to tell him.  
  
Just for the sake of telling him.  
  
I wouldn't ask him to love me too. I wouldn't even want him to reply. I just want him to know. I don't expect that he'll say I love you too. I don't expect that he'll leave her and cancel the wedding. I have no intentions of doing so, I just need to get it out. And that's it. I just have to tell him then we can go back to being friends.  
  
How? I don't know. But I know it will be easier to be friends again once I tell him I love him instead of avoiding him. He loves her, I love him. I get that, I just need to tell him, he's a smart man, he'd understand.  
  
"Gil!" I called as I ran near him.  
  
"Oh, hey Cath"  
  
"Um. Where's Wendy?"  
  
"She's in the rest room."  
  
"I have to talk to you"  
  
Gil glanced at his watch. "Can't it wait?"  
  
"Well –"  
  
"I'll just call you once I get there, okay?"  
  
"No, Gil I have to tell you this now!"  
  
'CALLING ALL PASSENGERS FLIGHT 109 TO CANADA'  
  
"My flight is being called" he said  
  
"Gil honey!" I heard as Wendy shouted from a far.  
  
He glanced at her. Wendy did some sign that she'll go in and that she'd just wait for him inside the plane.  
  
"Gil – "  
  
"Cath, were having a baby"  
  
"Uh- wha- um. A. –a-a a baby?" I stammered  
  
"Yea, we are having baby."  
  
"Oh. Um. Ah. Congratulations"  
  
"Okay see you when I come back okay. Bye!"  
  
"I love you Gil. I love you so much" finally I said it.  
  
I said it.  
  
I said it, as I watch him ran away from me and to the plane.  
  
I said it. But he didn't hear it.  
  
I said it.  
  
I said it.  
  
Too late.  
  
Before I let you go I want to say.......... I love you.   
  
=TBC= 


	10. Special Memory

Disclaimer: CSI isn't mine, the song isn't mine either.  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
A/N: First of all, again I made another mistake. You see I was in some kind of hurry in sending the last chapter that I forgot that I used some spoilers in the last chapter. Anyways, there was this one paragraph at the last chapter, about Cath's past with which I based it on all three seasons – okay, so now that I've clarified that, let's move on to the next chapter. In this chapter I used the song 'Special Memory' sang by Lea Salonga. This is a really short chapter, but I love it, I hope you'll all like it too...  
  
Chapter ten: Special Memory

_You will always be _

_A special part of me _

_You will always be _

_A special memory_

The night before Catherine went to my place and saw me with Wendy was the night when I found out about the baby. I promised Wendy not to tell anybody yet; she wants it to be a surprise. Anyways, I knew what I had to do after I found out that we are having a baby. I decided that I'd ask her to marry me. I care for Wendy a lot, and I'm happy to be with her. But when Catherine came by the next night... I realized how much love I have for her, the kind of love I could never give to Wendy or to any other human being for that matter. But that didn't stop me from doing my plan on asking Wendy to marry me, so the next night after Catherine's visit, I asked Wendy the big question and she said yes.  
  
She has even insisted on talking to Catherine about it personally. I can see that she really likes her a lot. She also said that since I'm very close to Cath, that she wants Catherine to be the maid-of-honor. So we asked her, and I also told her some of our plans, but I didn't tell her about the baby yet. Anyway I told her about it before I left and now I'm here.  
  
It has been a month since I was in Vegas. I'm now in Canada with Wendy. We are having a child. I'm going to be a father. And I can't tell you how excited and happy I feel. But there's a part of me that feels ... empty. I love Catherine. There is no denying that, but I'm engaged, and I'm having a child. I'll be having a family of my own. I am not going to let myself ruin this family that I'm about to have.  
  
I love Catherine I know that. And she'd always be a part of me. A special part of me.  
  
She'd always be part of my memory.  
  
My memory.  
  
A special memory.  
  
Living here in Canada means living far from her. Though I doubt if I can, I know that I must. She's not a part of my life anymore. No, I'm not shutting her out. It's just that she can't be what she used to be to me. She used to be my life. She was my inspiration. My love. My everything. But that's before; it can't be that way anymore.  
  
I could and would never deny the fact that I love her. But I also can't deny the fact that she's nothing but a memory. A memory, which I would cherish. A memory that I would never dare to erase.  
  
Maybe it's really not meant to be us. Maybe I was never meant to love her this dearly. That I do not know. All I know is, I love her. May it be in this lifetime or the next, she's a part of me. The one part of me that I'll never regret nor dare to forget._I'll always cherish _

_Wonderful moments _

_You have given me _

_You are in my heart _

_Wherever I may be_

She's a part of almost all the wonderful moments in my life. Wait a minute, what am I saying? She's not a part of those moments ... she is that moment. She is the reason why each of those moments became wonderful. She brought life back to my lonesome world. She brought smile to my face. She brought joy into my life. And I'll forever cherish it.  
  
I can vividly see her face whenever I close my eyes. I can hear her laugh. See her smile.  
  
Those memories are enough for me to last a lifetime. Instead of being lonely, I should be happy.  
  
Be happy that I met her.  
  
Be happy that I spent twenty-years of my life with her.  
  
Be happy that she has become a part of my life and I have in hers.  
  
Be happy that somewhere along the way our paths have crossed.  
  
Though it needed to end, at least. At least it has crossed._All the times we shared _

_Will always be to me _

_Songs my heart will sing _

_Refreshing melodies _

All this years I have loved her secretly. I have been loving her freely, but secretly. But now, now I am not allowed to love her, I am not supposed to love her. I have to stop myself from loving her, but I know that that is not possible.  
  
I love her. God I love her.  
  
They say that it is impossible to teach your heart on who to love. And it's even more impossible to teach it to whom not to love.  
  
I for one can attest to that.  
  
It is such a hard and painful truth to accept. But you'll have to accept it, along with the knowledge of another famous notion, 'You can never have it all'.  
  
But you know what else, I am not asking for all. I never did.  
  
I was just asking for one.  
  
For one person.  
  
And that is Catherine.  
  
But then again, having Catherine is far more greater that having it all. That's probably why I never got it. After all, who am I to deserve it? Who am I to deserve her?  
  
I am now standing inside the church. Asking for guidance. Asking for help. And giving thanks.  
  
I thank God for giving me a chance to have a family of my own.  
  
I thank God for all the blessings he has showered me.  
  
I thank God that I was able to survive a whole month without seeing Catherine.  
  
I thank God.  
  
I thank God.  
  
That he has allowed me to live part of my life with Catherine.  
  
I am now asking him to guide me, on how to move on to my life without her by my side.  
  
I am now asking him to guide me, on how to build a strong family, strong enough to fill the emptiness I feel.  
  
And then I ask for his help.  
  
Help, that I may be able to live and wake up gladly each and every day, knowing that it's another day without her._I'll put together all of your laughter_

_ Like a symphony _

_I'll remember you _

_wherever may be_

As I escort my soon to be wife back to the car, I glance at the sky and saw the moon and the stars shining brightly in the night sky.  
  
A smile creeps to my face to the thought that even though we are far away, Catherine and I are still looking at the same moon and stars.  
  
I enter the car, and kissed my fiancé.  
  
As I drive I glanced for a second to the woman beside me, I care for her and I hope that someday I will be able to learn on how to love her, it may not be as much and to the same way as I love Catherine but there are many forms of love.  
  
And it is still love.  
  
I am now here with Wendy, but I know for a fact that wherever I may be, I would always remember Catherine.  
  
And I know that whatever happens, deep inside me I'll always love her.  
  
No one could ever give objection to that nor do anything to be able to change that.  
  
Coz I will always love her... wherever I may be.  
  
Always.

_I'll remember you wherever I may be... I'll remember you wherever I may be..._   
  
=TBC=


	11. Even If

A/N: Disclaimer ... spoiler and all that fun stuff .. see the first 10 chaps. The song I used here is titled 'Even If' by Lea Salonga.  
  
Chapter eleven: Even If

_All those sleepless nights _

_All the tears I cried _

_All the pain I kept inside _

_I kept asking myself why _

_You had to say goodbye_

It has been more than a month since I last saw him. I've been in charge for night shift since he has left.  
  
I still can't believe he's gone. And you know what is the other one thing I still can't believe?  
  
That I'm still alive.  
  
There were countless times when I couldn't sleep. But an even larger amount of times when I don't want to wake up anymore. Tears have been freely streaming down my face; there are times that I don't even notice it. It would just come out, just like that.  
  
Crying to me this past few weeks has been like breathing. It has become a way for me to live.  
  
My heart couldn't take it anymore.  
  
All the love that has been kept deep inside has been replaced by the amount of pain.  
  
This is it. I believe, I have hit rock bottom. It couldn't possibly get any worst.  
  
Why did she have to come back? Why did he have to love her? Why did he ever want to marry her? Why did he have to get her pregnant? Why didn't he give me a chance to say what it is inside me?  
  
Why did he have to leave?  
  
I'm so tired. So tired of thinking. So tired of feeling. So tired of longing. So tired of hurting.  
  
Do you know where I am right now? Coz I don't. I'm lying down. My eyes are still closed, I'm afraid to open it. The last thing I can remember, I was about to leave the office and get home.  
  
"She loves him doesn't she?"  
  
I heard a voice asked. I still kept my eyes shut. I know that voice. That sounds like Nick.  
  
"Yea she does" I heard another voice; it sounds like Warrick's.  
  
"Can that be the reason why she passed out?" that's Greg's voice. Passed out? I passed out?  
  
"She barely eats and sleeps. She works twenty-five hours a day! She's far worse than me!" said another voice that unmistakably belongs to Sara.  
  
"She's probably trying to distract herself so she wouldn't think of him"  
  
"Well if she's using work to distract herself from feeling her pain, it isn't working Greg! I can see tears in her eyes every now and then. Even if she tries to hide it" came Nick's response.  
  
So I am that obvious huh?  
  
They probably think that I'm still asleep.  
  
I feel so weak. So weak I don't think I can talk. I don't even have enough energy to open my eyes. So now, I decide to just keep it closed. They will all be shooting me questions and I'm not ready for that. Though I don't appreciate the fact that the topic of their conversation is I.  
  
I don't want to react. I'll just let them talk about me.  
  
"We should have been there for her"  
  
"Let us not blame this on ourselves Nick" I heard Sara comforted Nick.  
  
"We can all see she was a total wreck! She tries to hide it so hard, but we all knew better!" I heard Nick retorted.  
  
Oh god, they pity me ... and I thought things couldn't get any worst?  
  
"It was very obvious through her eyes. Why weren't we there for her?" said Greg's voice.  
  
And now they're pitying me and blaming themselves...god Catherine, how did you manage to get this low?  
  
I'm too weak to open my eyes but apparently not weak enough to not be able to think.  
  
"Greg, Nick, Sara's right. This is nobody's fault. Cath is going through very hard times, we just have to let her know we're here."  
  
I know guys. I know. And I'm thankful for that. _Was it just a dream _

_When you said to me _

_That there is some one new in your life _

_You could have at least lied _

_The truth just scared me _

__  
  
It has been a week since I was released from the hospital. I told everyone not to tell it to Grissom and without any further questions they have all obeyed me.  
  
There are still those moments when I thought I saw a glimpse of him. When I thought I heard his voice. When I thought I just smelled his scent.  
  
And as always... I'm right.  
  
I'm right ... that it is just me wishful thinking.  
  
There are nights that I still can't sleep. But, little by little, those nights are being lessened.  
  
Up to now, I still cry. When I'm alone. I still cry. But now, I'm not trying to stop it. I'm not trying to hide it. I have now allowed myself to cry.  
  
I have never known that you could miss someone this much. Then again, there are a lot of things that I never knew.  
  
I never knew that I could love someone as much as this.  
  
That you can miss someone this much.  
  
That a feeling as painful as this exists.  
  
And you know what else?  
  
I never knew I'm this strong.  
  
_Even If ..._

_You mean the whole damn world to me_

_ I can forget you, wait and see _

_I can be strong _

_even without you _

_I can't waste my life forever _

_Hoping you'd come back to me_

I'm getting up. I'm going to survive. I Catherine Willows will not let this ruin me.  
  
And that's a promise. A pledge to myself.  
  
I'm not only going to stay strong for my daughter, but also for myself.  
  
I don't want to be pathetic anymore. I don't want to be helpless any longer. I cannot mourn my whole life because of him.  
  
No man, could ever make me waste my entire life for him.  
  
Even if I love him so dearly.  
  
Even if he is everything to me.  
  
Even if I know for a fact that I will always love him.  
  
Even if I know that there is no chance for this love to be gone.  
  
Even if I know that I may never forget the pain.  
  
Even if I know that deep inside me, in my heart of hearts ... I'm still hoping.  
  
I'm still waiting.  
  
_But deep inside I know I'll be Waiting here for you._   
  
=TBC= 


	12. Reachin' out

Disclaimer: CSI and the song used isn't mine!

Spoiler: none

A/N: the song used here is titled "Reachin' out" by Ms. Lea Salonga.

Chapter twelve: Reachin' out  
  
_What must I do to make you understand? _

_You mean everything to me _

_Don't have the strength to say _

_Give this heart of mine a chance _

_And maybe then you will see_   
  
I'm now back in Vegas. I just came back to finish on some work and then I'll make my formal resignation and be gone for good.  
  
I have missed my office. I have missed working here, working with my team. But most of all I miss Catherine.  
  
Her eyes. The eyes that serves as a window through her very soul.  
  
Her smile. With which never cease to lighten up my mood.  
  
Her laugh. The sound of her laugh that is music to my ears.  
  
_I'll do anything _

_Do anything that you tell me _

_I'll be there, I'll be there if you need me_   
  
It is very weird though. I have been here for almost a week but I haven't seen any of the three most beautiful things yet. Yes, I have seen Catherine but she wouldn't look at me in the eye. She seems to be avoiding eye-to-eye contact with me.  
  
I haven't seen her smile. Well she has smiled. But not to me, to every body else but me. How was I able to see the smiles she gives to others? It's because I've been watching her secretly and intently. But you know what else? It seems like the smiles she gives are kind of reassuring smiles. Reassuring smiles, reassuring and sad both at the same time. It isn't the same smile she used to have.  
  
I've heard her laugh, laugh at Greg and Nick. Laugh with Warrick as they both watch Nick tease and flirt at Sara. Yes, I have heard her laugh ... and again like how I managed to see her smiles on others, it is secretly. Before I enter the room I hear her laugh, and I stay outside for a minute to listen to this music, and as I enter the room hoping that the music would be more beautiful when I'm at the same room as the source of it ... well I was wrong. Coz every time I enter the room she abruptly stops on laughing. I have noticed that, and that is why I have been spending minutes outside before entering a room just to be able to hear her laugh.  
  
_Reachin' out to you _

_Do you feel it too _

_Lovin' you _

_is all I wanna do_

_ I'm completely sure _

_I've never felt this way before _

_When I smile you know _

_That there is something more_   
  
I don't know what to do anymore. Seeing her now, makes me think again. It makes me think that maybe the knowledge of me loving her deep inside is not enough to last me a lifetime. I want her to know how I feel. And the worst, I want her to feel the same way.  
  
I'm having a child and I'm getting married. But those things don't seem to be enough reason to stop me from loving her. To stop me from hoping of her loving me.  
  
Every time I look at her she looks the other way. I don't know why. I want to know why.  
  
Every time I get near her, I can feel all pairs of eyes on the room staring at us. I don't know for sure if they are looking at me or to Catherine. But they are looking at us.  
  
Something is happening. I know that for a fact, everybody is acting differently.  
  
Besides the fact that Nick has been boldly showing his love for Sara, and Sara has been playing hard to get. Sara playing hard to get is truly an odd thing to me. Warrick has been glancing at Catherine every now and then. I would have started to get a little jealous, but now I'm just worried coz Greg, Sara and Nick are doing the same thing.  
  
_What must I do _

_so I can make you see _

_The light that shines in my eyes _

_You brighten up my day _

_You even help me find my way _

_I wish you're always by my side_   
  
I have tried talking to Catherine, but as if on cue the team would always show up out of the blue and interrupt us.  
  
I want Catherine to see that I miss her.  
  
That I care for her  
  
That though she ignores me, the sight of her brightens up my day  
  
I want her to see that one mention of her name makes my heart flutter  
  
And I can't stop, don't know how to stop Thinkin' of you And I'll do anything, do anything to be near you   
  
That no matter what I do I don't know how to stop thinking of her  
  
That whenever I think of her I can't help but smile  
  
And most of all I want her to see that I love her.  
  
I just want to be near her.  
  
I just want to feel her beside me.  
  
I have the most perfect reason why I want to be beside her – it is because I love her more than anything but on the other hand I also have another perfect reason why I can't tell her that I feel this way. And as much as I would want to be happy for this reason of having a family ... I can't bring myself to it. I know that I will love my child. I will love my child more than anything. There will only be two, no make that three people in my heart. My child, Lindsey and Catherine.  
  
I want her to feel my love for her. I may not be able to tell her, but I want her to feel it.  
  
It's stupid. It's irrational. But that's what I want, that's what I feel, how can I help it?  
  
_Reachin' out to you _

_Do you feel it too _

_Lovin' you is all I wanna do _

_I'm completely sure _

_I've never felt this way before _

_When I smile you know _

_That there is something more_   
  
As I walk down the hall I notice that the only occupant of the break room is Catherine and so I have decided to enter and hope that I'll be spared with a minute alone with her.  
  
"What are you doing?" I asked causally  
  
"Reading" she answered without looking up.  
  
"Want to tell me about it?"  
  
"You sure you want to hear about the latest gossip on Jlo's love life?"  
  
"Ookay... maybe not."  
  
"Thought so"  
  
"Well it's just, it's been a long time since we talked."  
  
There I've said it.  
  
She glanced up at me and I gave her a smile, and she gave me a light smile. Just a light one but it still is a smile. The first one she has given me for a long time.  
  
The smile I have given her... I tried to show everything there. I hope she looks at my eyes, coz I want her to read them.  
  
I'm foolish. I'm selfish. I'm in love.  
  
I love her. I can't stop loving her. All my life I know I will always love her. And that's the one thing in my life I will never stop on doing. Loving her. Loving her feels so right, even though I know it's not. Loving her gives me joy, then it makes me feel pain. Loving her is everything to me. It's like breathing. It's my air.  
  
It's all I want to do. No, that isn't true, I don't want to feel it any longer, but I still do.  
  
It isn't what I want to do. It's what I can't stop doing.  
  
It has become my habit. My addiction. It is who I am. It is what defines me. Loving the woman I am not supposed to love has become part of who I am.  
  
_Reachin' out to you _

_Do you feel it too _

_Lovin' you is all I wanna do _

_I'm completely sure _

_I've never felt this way before_   
  
I wonder how come all this time she has never seen it in my eyes. Am I really that good in keeping my feelings?  
  
Every time I look at her I know that the love I feel for her is reflected through my eyes.  
  
I know that deep inside her she knows that I feel something for her. She's a smart woman. A very smart and emotional woman. It is impossible that she would miss it.  
  
Sometimes I look at her and I try to tell her everything with that look. When I smile at her I just hope she gets the message.  
  
Is she trying to deny or ignore what she sees in my eyes?  
  
Or does she simply not care on how I feel for her?  
  
Well, either way ... it still hurts.  
  
Deep inside her I know she sees it. I know she knows. Deep inside her I know she does.  
  
Why else would she act strange? Why else will she be avoiding my gaze like what she is doing now? Why does she look relieved when the team entered the break room a few moments ago? She doesn't want me. She knows I love her, but she doesn't love me. That's the only explanation for all of this.  
  
I love her. She doesn't love me. I'm with some else.  
  
That has been our situation for a long time now, but how come I never seem to get use to it?  
  
This is my last night here in Vegas. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning. Once I leave I'm never coming back. After this, I don't want to look back. I'll always feel my love for her but I'm never looking back to my pass.  
  
To the pass where I let go of the chance of being with her. To the pass where I just couldn't accept that we were never meant to be together. To the pass ... to this pass, where I can see that deep inside she knows how I feel but chose to ignore it.  
  
I have failed  
  
I have failed to look in her eyes  
  
I have failed to read through her eyes  
  
I have failed to convince myself that I can always love her secretly and that that would be enough  
  
I have failed to believe that loving her though she does not feel the same will be okay  
  
I have failed to live an honest life  
  
I have and will fail to be happy all my life  
  
I am regretting that I never told her how I feel face to face  
  
I am regretting that I expect her to love me even though I tell her I love her only through my eyes, through my friendship.  
  
I am regretting that I have never grabbed the chance to be with her before  
  
I am regretting that I would have to forget about Vegas in a few hours.  
  
I am regretting to see her response on knowing deep inside that I feel something for her -- though I have not told her yet, it is very obvious on my eyes.  
  
And I am regretting on why I thought letting her read my love for her through my eyes is a good idea.  
  
I am regretting that I know that she knows deep inside how I feel for her.  
  
I am regretting to the fact how I love her intensely that it is impossible for her not to feel it  
  
I am regretting to the knowledge of how well she can read through me that is how I know she have read it through my eyes a million times  
  
Failure and regret  
  
What a beautiful ending for my undying love.  
  
_Deep inside you know _

_that there is something more _

_Deep inside you know that there is something more...._   
  
= TBC =


	13. Let the pain remain

Disclaimer: CSI isn't mine; the song isn't mine either!  
  
Spoiler: doubt it!  
  
Feedback -( is greatly appreciated and may help on hurrying up with the next post!  
  
A/N: I have turned Catherine into a morbid... but hey she's been suffering all through this story so I decided to lighten up her mood by letting her appreciate her feelings. evil laugh Anyways, the title of the song I used here is 'Let the pain remain' by Side A. Hope you guys will enjoy!! PS: why is it that it's a lot easier to write on Cath's feelings than on Gil's???  
  
Chapter thirteen: Let the pain remain  
  
Love comes, love goes But a sudden feeling never lets me be Somehow I know quite apart of me Isn't changed Since you've been gone   
  
I am now sitting alone inside MY office. I have been avoiding Grissom the whole week; I have been avoiding him while he has been trying to reach out. The whole team has been looking out for me, I asked them to make sure that they don't leave me alone with him as a favor, that sounds so pathetic of me but I would have been more pathetic if I didn't asked them to. I don't know what it is that he is doing, I feel like he loves me, like he needs me ... I know that, that can't be true but my heart won't listen!  
  
I have been avoiding him coz I don't like the way he looks at me. He looks at me as if he is hurting, as if he cares, as if he feels the same way I do. I have been working so hard to move on, to stand up again, to be back to who I used to be – though I do not know who that is, the main point is I just want to get my life back on track. I have been trying to go over the pain I'm feeling.  
  
I am now here, all alone sitting in the dark as I stare to the letter I wrote. I wrote it and I poured my heart out. I'm still debating with myself if I'll give it to him or not. But I think I won't.  
  
I am no longer afraid of rejection. I am no longer afraid of ruining our friendship, coz I have already ruined it. But I still can't give it to him. Why? Coz I'm afraid that he feels the same way.  
  
It sounds irrational doesn't it? But no, it isn't irrational, it's just .... Complicated. Painful.  
  
Complicated and Painful.  
  
I'll tell him I love him, he'll tell me he loves me but we can't be together.  
  
Now that's a heart breaker. You see I didn't think my heart could get any broken than it already is until this thought came into context with my god- forsaken brain.  
  
Like a sturdy tree that's seen a thousand seasons I've to shed my leaves in winter To grow them back in spring To welcome life again To welcome you So goes my life   
  
I'd rather live my life without him, knowing that he'll be happy. Rather than to know we both want to be together but couldn't. I'd rather hear him reject me than love me but in the end he'll end up with someone else.  
  
I'd rather have the knowledge that we are not together coz he doesn't want me. I don't want to live my whole life knowing that I love him, he loves me but we can't be together. That just doesn't work for me! How will you expect a girl to move on if she knows that the man whom she loves and can't be with loves her too?  
  
You know that, 'we are just not meant to be together' line? Well guess what, that is crap!  
  
How will you be able to live you're life knowing that love just can't conquer it all?  
  
Can someone please tell me since when fate has its power over love? Could you just please please tell me, coz I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person in this world who is cursing the time when it did.  
  
Still believe in dreams of having you around Too bad memories feed the mind And not the heart Where I want you to be   
  
I will never forget him.  
  
Now that is I, not making a promise to myself, but telling myself to accept the fact.  
  
I'll always remember him. All the times that we've shared, all memories he has left behind. I doubt that that will be enough but that's all that I can have.  
  
That's all I'm allowed to have.  
  
Some day I too will be happy. I hope.  
  
Someday.  
  
Someday I will, and while I'm still waiting for that day, I will be sitting here all alone thinking of memories which I've treasured. Memories of both the good times and the bad.  
  
Memories that I will never trade for anything.  
  
Too bad memories can't fill the emptiness of the heart.  
  
So I ask myself what you have left behind For me to go on each day To live as if I have you once again   
  
"Cath, aren't you going home yet?"  
  
I glance up to see Warrick and Sara. "Are you okay?" Sara asked me worriedly, so I nodded and gave a light smile to assure them that I'm fine.  
  
"Well I have to go meet Nick. I'll see you guys tonight!" Sara waved us goodbye and headed down the hall. Warrick looked at me probably expecting for me to say something. I stood up, I was holding the letter in my hand.  
  
"Are you going to give that to him?" he asked. I looked at him and I said, "No."  
  
And so, I threw the letter down to the garbage can.  
  
"Aren't you coming with us to say good bye to Gris?"  
  
"I've said good bye to him so many times already." with that I left him and I headed my way.  
  
What else is there that's real But all the pain that I feel So let the pain remain forever in my heart For every throb it brings is one more moment Spent with you   
  
I'm inside my car again, here outside the airport. But this time I'm not going out. I'm not chasing him. I just want to watch Grissom's plane fly away. I had a lot of thinking last night. I was again thinking of him  
  
And again feeling my love for him and the pain it has cost me.  
  
The pain.  
  
I've been trying to get through that feeling for what seems like an eternity. But now, as I watch the plane fly away, from Vegas and to Canada. As I watch Grissom go away. Away for good. Away from me and to Wendy. I don't think I want to move pass the pain any more.  
  
Coz that's all he has left for me. Besides the memories that I feed my brain with, pain is the only thing left for my heart. That's the strongest memory of him that I have. So why would I want to let that go?  
  
I'll feel the pain. And each time I feel how it hurts I will smile. I'll smile coz every time I feel it I also feel him.  
  
Every beat of my heart is followed by his name.  
  
His name, which I feel the pain from  
  
Which I feel the pain for  
  
I'm feeling the pain.  
  
I'll always feel the pain.  
  
And if that's the only way I can go so that I may feel him with me, so that I can spend time with him, so that my moment with him won't be just a memory from my mind ... then I'll treasure this pain. I'll keep this pain. I'll feel this pain till I can feel nothing anymore.  
  
I'll let this pain be with me forever.  
  
If that's the only way to feel him for real. Even if its hard, even if it hurts ... even if it is pain.  
  
At least  
  
At least I'll feel part of him with me.  
  
I will let this pain remain. Just so I could feel his memory with me.  
  
I let the pain bring on the rain If that's the only way It there's no other way To be with you again =TBC= 


	14. I know

Disclaimer: CSI and the song - both not mine!

Spoiler: none

A/N: the song used here is 'I know' by Ms. Regine Velasquez. Thanks for the reviews ... I really hope to see more of it and I promis to post the next parts soon.

PS: check out www.graveshiftcsi.com it's a really really cool site! most especially for all the GC shippers out there!

Chapter fourteen: I know

_I know _

_I know how the flowers felt _

_when they're crushed by the rain _

_when they knelt in pain _

_   
  
_  
As I look outside my window, as I fly away from Vegas I can feel my heart tearing apart. She didn't even bothered to say goodbye to me at the airport ... not that I would like her to say goodbye to me, it's just that, well, she didn't even called me. And the whole time I was there we were not given a chance to talk.  
  
I have already resigned. I don't work in CSI anymore, and so I don't have an excuse to go back. I won't have an excuse to see her anymore._Oh you're like _

_you're like the pourin rain _

_Tearing me apart _

_Taking love that I kept in my heart_

Catherine has become my source of strength and happiness all this years. And now she has become the source of my pain. I can feel the strength in my body slowly slipping away. I can feel the throb in my heart feel suffering for every in every throb I think of her. And the thought of her causes me pain.  
  
I don't want to think of her anymore. She's tearing me a part. All this years she's been my strength and my weakness. And now all I feel is weakness.  
  
She is tearing me apart, I'm mourning over her, mourning over a woman who doesn't even care. She doesn't care.  
  
Well she does. I know she cares. Just not to me.  
  
I have not confronted her, because confronting will lead to opening up and I can't do that.  
  
So besides the heartbreak, failure and regret I also have to face lies. All this I have caused to myself and now I have to face it on my own._I know_

_I know my strength has dried up_

_Just like a sun baked day _

_Lost my focus _

_I've got scattered thoughts _

_Got some useless dreams _

_How can I find balance and freedom from extremes_

I remember before when I said that Catherine is the one and only dream of mine that haven't come true yet and that I believe someday all my dreams will come true.  
  
I remember when I said that I would never forget her. That she'll always be in heart and that I will always love her.  
  
I remember when the thought of her makes my heart flutter.  
  
I remember when the sound of her voice, and sight of her smile lightens up my day.  
  
And now I know all those days are all over. Coz now I just want it all to go away. I want to be happy.  
  
Before loving her has become synonymous to my whole life and happiness. Now loving her has become the one thing I won't regret at the same time wouldn't want to continue.  
  
I want to be happy. Happy with Wendy, happy with our child, happy with my family.  
  
I also want to fix my friendship with Catherine, the Catherine I now would never miss my wedding so maybe by then I have worked up some way to let all this go away and maybe I can be happy.  
  
Be happy for us being friends.  
  
Be happy with Wendy and our baby._I know _

_I want you _

_I want you to just go away _

_I must be happy now _

_Oh come what may _

_Please give my heart a chance_

And as I walk out the airport I see a woman waving her hands at me who is happy to see me. Cath never even bothered looking me straight in the eye the whole time I was there, but this woman right here, she's in my arms now. She ran to me with a big smile as soon as she caught sight of me.  
  
And this has only motivated me. And gave me more reason on why I want all thoughts of Catherine to go away.  
  
I have to make a space for this new love. If I won't let go of my love for Catherine there will be no space left for this new love I found.  
  
I know I can find love without her. I know, I'm very sure, I have.  
  
I know I have found love through Wendy. She loves me, and I know want to love her.  
  
I know I want to be happy with her. I know I want to let go of Catherine.  
  
What I don't know is, if I can.  
  
_To make a good love grow. _

_We can love without each other _

_I know._   
  
=TBC=


	15. Could it be?

Disclaimer: CSI and the song isn't mine

Spoiler: doubt it

A/N: the song used here is 'Could it be' by Regine Velasquez. Don't expect any angst in this chapter .. coz this doesn't really have angst just a really problematic Gil!! hope you'll enjoy and don't forget to leave me with your review!

Chapter fifteen: Could it be

_The warmth of your touch _

_The look in your eyes _

_The smile on your lips_

_ Are still clear in my mind_

I'm only starting to unpack my things now. Wendy's already at her office, me, I still have a day on leave. And as I opened my bag, I found myself staring at an envelope.  
  
I wonder how it got in there?  
  
So I took a sit and started opening the envelope. Inside is a paper, a letter.  
  
I know this handwriting. And so I scurry of to the bottom to see the signature and I have just confirmed whom it is from, it's from Catherine.  
  
A letter from Catherine, but how was it able to get in there? She never did show up, the only people there was the team, and I was the only one who carried the .... Warrick!  
  
So that's why he and Greg were acting different, I thought I saw him slip something into my bag when he helped me carry my suitcases but Greg distracted me. Okay enough of thinking about that.  
  
_Oh God what could be inside this?  
  
The sound of your voice _

_The words that you say _

_Your magical gaze _

_Still haunt me night and day_   
  
She loves me. She loves me! I mean the world to her, she's loved me all this time! O god, I don't think my smile could get any bigger. She has tried to tell me before but couldn't do it, she said now she wants to move on but don't know how. She'll always love me that's what she said. She said that she has also accepted that I love someone else and that she's sorry if she's ruining things, she said all she want is just to get it out. She said she understands that I love someone else; she said she wishes me good luck with my new family ... but she's wrong! I don't love anybody else! She is not ruining anything! She's the woman I want to have a family with.  
  
She said she has attempted to tell me a lot of times before.  
  
So that time, at my office, that was what she wanted to say when she said she missed me. When we had breakfast, when I told her about Wendy that was what she wanted to say. When she came by the house that night, that was what she was going to say before Wendy interrupted her. And ... at the airport ...  
  
Oh god, I'm so stupid!!  
  
She has tried to tell me all this time, and here I am wanting to forget about her though I know that that is not possible, that it can not be done and will never be done, I still thought about doing so.  
  
I feel ashamed of myself. She has tried to tell me, but me, what have I done? I never dared to tell her.  
  
_Could it be_

_ That you're just around me _

_I'd like to see _

_If this love knows no bounds _

_But when I wake up from this dream _

_I shall find you are gone _

_And everything's just in my mind_   
  
But what will I do now? I have committed myself to Wendy. She's in love with me and she's carrying my baby. She's wearing a diamond ring, which came from me ... we're engaged. We've started preparing for the wedding.  
  
If I stay here with Wendy, I'll never be with Catherine ... I have known from the very start that not being with Catherine is going to be hard. But now that I know of her feelings for me, it's going to be harder to keep away from her.  
  
She cares for me. She loves me.  
  
But I can't be with her and it's all my damn fault!  
  
If I go back to Vegas, I don't think I could be completely happy either. I will not be able to live with the guilt.  
  
I am being selfish to keep thinking about myself. But what am I to do?  
  
If I stay here .... What about Catherine?  
  
If I go there ... what about Wendy? And our child?  
  
I'm gonna have to choose.  
  
But it's not like I'm really being asked to choose. Catherine never stated she wants me back in her life, she just said that she wants to get it all out in the open. What if that's all she wants? What if the letter isn't really from her?  
  
If it is really from her, why didn't she give it to me personally or just told me. If she really wanted me to be with her then she should have not waited until I'm already gone. Then again why am I questioning her way and timing if I myself have been in love with her for all this years and never even got the chance or dared to tell her.  
  
Am I just dreaming?  
  
I still can't believe this. This is like a dream come true ... Catherine loves me.  
  
But, it's not really like a dream come true. Coz it all ends up to that .. she loves me, I love her.  
  
But this is no fairyland. I'm not in dream world nor in a romantic movie.  
  
Though she loves me too, that doesn't mean I could be with her. The fantasy of being with her has long been gone. Though I know I still dream of it, it is not mine to fantasize, dream or even think of.  
  
There are a lot of things to be considered. Things that neither of us has control over.  
  
_Like a mystery _

_A ghost in the night _

_A sweet reverie _

_A fantasy I wish was mine_

=TBC=


	16. Think it over

Disclaimer: CSI and the song - isn't mine  
  
Spoiler: none  
  
Feedbacks: thanx for all the awesome feedbacks ... i hope to read more of it!  
  
A/N: I know that a few.. or maybe a lot of you dislike' this character. But hey, she is still part of this whole thing, so after15 chapters I finally decided that it's about time for us to hear her side of the story. And please keep in mind she loves him too.. anyway this is Chapter sixteen, with the song Think it over' by Side A and Zsa-zsa Padilla ... Wendy's POV.  
  
Chapter sixteen: Think it over  
  
_Here I am so close to you  
  
And yet you seem so far from me  
  
So many times I've asked myself  
  
Where I've been wrong_  
  
I'm comfortably seated at the couch watching T.V in the arms of the man of my dreams. I glance up at him; I can see his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes. He doesn't seem to notice that I'm looking at him, so I look back at the T.V and I wonder, what he is thinking?  
  
Or who.  
  
This whole week since he has arrived back from Vegas he has been acting weird. Always lost in thoughts – though it's not like it isn't normal but now well, it's a little different. Gil likes to ponder and think of things, and I really love him for that, but this past week he just seems to be confused, it's like he's in some kind of dilemma or something.  
  
Since we were in high school I have been envisioning myself to live a life with Gil. When he told me he loved me and asked me to marry him when we were in college I couldn't think of anything else to say but to shout out loud a yes'. Anyway, it was a long engagement we had a deal to finish our studies first and as time went on we drifted apart. The wedding was not pursued but we remained very good friends over the years.  
  
I have been in and out of relationships, and when I went to Vegas and saw Gil, I realized why all the relationships I've been doesn't work out. Because I still have feelings for Gil.  
  
I love him and I can feel how much he cares for the baby and me. But I never cease to wonder on where he is. He's always away. No not physically but I can see it in his eyes. The way he's always lost in thought.  
  
He is with me physically and that's that.  
  
_When all along I felt I tried to give my all  
  
Can't you tell what's on my mind  
  
Just like you I'm hurt inside_  
  
Here I am watching him sleep. He looks more peaceful when he's asleep. Sometimes I wish I could just watch him sleep forever. In that way I wouldn't see him hurting.

Yes, I see him hurting. He is sad, and he is hurting.  
  
He has been trying to put on a mask and pretend that he's fine but he's not.  
  
I know that he pains inside, he could never pretend to me that he's not sad, that he's not lonely, that he's not hurt.

I am all too familiar with that look and feeling.  
  
I have felt that before and I'm feeling it now.  
  
As I stare at him and think of all this I dry a tear from my eye.  
  
I don't know what went wrong.

I don't know what I did wrong.  
  
I love him.  
  
I care for him.  
  
I adore him.  
  
I have given my all to him, but it seems like it isn't enough.  
  
_So many times I know  
  
I've tried so desperately  
  
to make you understand  
  
That I have given all I can  
_  
It has now been two weeks since he has been back from Vegas and he is still acting different. I have given my all, but my all is not enough. I have nothing else neither to give nor to offer.  
  
I'm lying all-alone in this big bed of ours. Gil is still working; sometimes I think he does that in purpose to avoid me. Sometimes I think he does that coz he just wants to be alone to think. But most of the time I try and I want to think, that he is working hard for the baby and me.  
  
I sound so desperate. Pathetic. A fool if you may add. But I don't care.  
  
I love him and I want a life with him.  
  
_But though I want to let things go  
  
It's hart to say goodbye  
  
You've heard these words before  
  
But please let's give this one more try_  
  
It's hard to be in this kind of position. I don't want to be like this anymore, but at the same time I know I'd do everything for him.  
  
I can feel that he doesn't love me. And I just hope that my love for him would be enough.  
  
But as to what I see now, I don't think it is. We're drifting apart.  
  
I don't know what to do. I have wanted this all my life and it's hard to watch it just slip away from your hands.  
  
I know I'm gonna have to face it but I can't and I wouldn't want to.  
  
_And stay right here  
  
Stay right here with you  
  
I wanna stay right here with you  
  
Try to think it over before we say it's over  
  
Try to think it over just once more  
_  
_We've come this far together  
  
Let's keep this going on_  
  
I watch as he gathered more clothes and placed it inside his suitcase. "Gil, honey why do you have to leave?"  
  
"I just have to do some things"  
  
"Some things?? Mind telling me what things?"  
  
"I told you it's uh um, uh it's about uh work."  
  
"But you've already resigned"  
  
"I've worked there for ages, they still need a little help and I have to do some more stuff"  
  
"What more stuff?"  
  
"I just have to know something."  
  
"Fine." I give up, there's no stopping him.  
  
So I just stood in our bedroom doorway watching him to pack his things. Work, yea right! Like I was only born yesterday!  
  
I look at him, I place my hands on his and smile at him. I want him to think about this. I want him to think about it before he leaves.  
  
He said he's coming back but I know deep inside me that there is a possibility that he wouldn't go back, why?

_Coz I think he doesn't even want to be here.  
  
And stay right here  
  
I wanna stay right here  
  
With you_  
  
I want to beg and plead. I want to beg for him not to leave, I want to plead for him to stay.  
  
I know that he is not going away for work. He misses Catherine.  
  
Yea that's right Catherine.

He loves her.  
  
I can't believe it! We aren't even married yet and he's already cheating on me. This baby is the only reason why he's staying with me.  
  
I love him. Why won't he love me? He loved me first before he even met Catherine, so why can't he just forget about her?

I need him. I need him to be with me so that I may survive. I'm ready to be a martyr. I'm ready to be the waiting and understanding wife, but I don't think he can be the husband that will realize his faults and be with his martyr wife in the end. I know he wants to but he can't.  
  
The same way I know that I want to free him but can't.  
  
I still hope that he will come back and when he does, even if he doesn't love me, I'll make sure that my love will be enough for him. For me, for us, for both of us.  
  
_Here I am wanting you  
  
Can't you feel I need you too  
  
Why don't you make it easier  
  
By giving in  
_  
I close the door of our house and watch him go away. He kissed me in the cheek and kissed my tummy to say bye to the baby.  
  
He left me and my baby to see some one in Vegas.  
  
If he was able to leave now, imagine what he'll do when he finds out the truth. But that would never happen.  
  
Before all I want is to feel the way he has love me before, now I envy Catherine. He loves her more than any love I have ever had.  
  
But there is hope. This baby is my hope. He's coming back for us, and maybe, maybe he's just going to put closure between him and Catherine. Yea that's it, he's going to say one last good bye to her.  
  
I had some new discoveries while he was in Vegas two weeks ago, I had a check up, I thought all along that I got pregnant when Gil and I made love the first day I came to see him back in Vegas. Yea made love' that's what I LIKE to call it, though I realize now that at those times he is probably imagining some body else with him ... I don't care.  
  
Anyways according to my check up I'm one week pregnant than what I thought.  
  
But hey it's just one week, I doubt that he'll count it week by week. So nothing is to be afraid of. He'll be back, for the baby. He's the father of the baby. He has never doubted it, he wants to be  
a father, I want to be his wife, and this baby needs a family, there, everybody happy.  
  
One week earlier.  
  
Wanna know what's wrong with that?  
  
That would mean I'm already pregnant before I even got to Vegas.  
  
_All my life I have waited  
  
For the love you keep within._  
  
=TBC=


	17. This time

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine  
  
Spoiler: doubt it  
  
A/N: the song used here is 'This time' sang by Freestyle. Thanks for the reviews and I hope to read more of what you guys think! If you want to read more chapters of these fic you could check it out at www.graveshiftcsi.com .

Chapter seventeen: This time  
  
_Oh I'm sorry girl _

_For causing you much pain _

_Didn't mean to make you cry _

_Make your efforts all in vain_   
  
I have hurt her. All the times she approached me, how could I have been so oblivious to all this? She was going to stop me from going to Canada, she was going to tell me she loves me ... that's what she was going to say but I stopped her and told her Wendy's pregnant. I don't think I can imagine how much I must have hurt her.  
  
Wendy's pregnant. I'm going to be a father soon. But why am I in this plane? What am I going to do once I got to Vegas? What will I tell her?  
  
Well I really don't know, all I know is I want to see her, I want to know if this is all true ...  
  
All this years I never had enough courage, but Cath, she has attempted to tell me. All those efforts she must have pulled just to get enough courage but all I did was blow her off.  
  
I should have insisted for her to tell me what she wanted to say, I shouldn't have gave up on insisting.  
  
I apologize for all the things I've done You are loving me so much That all I did was let you down   
  
The last time I was there, I tried to approach her but all she did was to keep distance. She's probably trying to stop herself, or to forget all about me.  
  
I have never ever even in my wildest dream; imagine that something like this could happen. Yes, I have been dreaming of her loving me too, but not as much as this. I have never thought someone could love me, especially if that someone is Catherine.  
  
The woman of my dreams loves me, but all I did was cause her pain.  
  
I am now standing in front of Catherine's house. Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.  
  
_Oh I didn't know _

_I just want to say _

_All I know is that I want you to stay   
_  
She's looking at me, with a surprise look on her face. I don't know if she's happy to see me or not, it's hard to understand; her eyes are filled with emotions. Mixed emotions.  
  
"Um. Cath"  
  
"Oh, right. Sorry! Come in!"  
  
She looks tensed and probably as nervous as I am now.  
  
"I didn't know you were coming" she said sounding calmly but seeing her hands shaking as she gave me a drink, I can say she's tensed up.  
  
"It's suppose to be a surprise"  
  
"Well then, you made a very good job. Congratulations!"  
  
I can't keep on doing this. She's avoiding my eyes again. We've both been stalling far too long.  
  
"Catherine are you in love with me?"  
  
And for the first time in months we are finally having an eye contact. I can see that I took her by surprise, but for a moment there I saw everything I want to see ... just by looking through her eyes.  
  
"Gil what kind o f - - "  
  
I grab the letter from my pocket and waved it at her, I see her eyes grew and jaw dropped. So with that reaction I could definitely say that she never wanted me to receive the letter.  
  
"How did you - - "  
  
"Answer the question Catherine"  
  
She shakes her head from side side, I watch her as she stood up. She's not going to answer my question.  
  
But this time, I'm not gonna let her. I'm not going to let her back away. It's about time I hear what she has been trying to tell me, the thing I've been wanting to hear from the moment I met her.  
  
_This time I'm not gonna let you turn away _

_This time I'm not gonna let another day go by _

_Without holding you so tight _

_Without treating you so right_   
  
I stood up to stop her. I got a grip of her arm on my hand and I touched her face with my other hand. I look at her eyes. She tries to avoid me, but I insist on making her look at me.  
  
"Catherine. I want to know the truth. Are you in love with me?"  
  
We both stare at each other for a few seconds, until she gave out a fake giggle, "You are my friend, of course I love you."  
  
She tries to move away, but I tighten my grip on her arm, "You are not answering my question. I asked you not if you love me, I'm asking you if you're IN love with me."  
  
Her mouth is partly hanging open. She doesn't know what to say, I can see tears in her eyes, and she shakes her head from side to side. She moves away from me, as she has successfully got her arms free from my grip.  
  
I was disappointed and shocked by her response. She shook her head from side to side, which signs as a 'no' but I don't believe her. So I snap out of my shock just like a flash. I follow her, I got her by the hand.  
  
I made her face me. And I close the distance.  
  
I can feel her lips on mine. I was the only one kissing her, she was not kissing back ... but that was for the first five seconds. My hand is now on her face while the other is holding on to her back. I can feel her hands around my neck.  
  
_This time _

_I'm not gonna let go of our love_

_This time I promise you that we'll pass by it all_

_ I won't ever let you fall _

_Gonna give you my all _

_This time_   
  
As we break apart to get some air, I held her face once more. "I love you."  
  
Finally after twenty years. I have finally said it!  
  
She looks at me, a smile curls up on her lips. "I love you too"  
  
I don't know who closed the distance this time. We're kissing again and it isn't any less passionate than the one we just shared a few minutes ago.  
  
She stopped.  
  
She backs away.  
  
Her hands are on my chest as if telling me to keep away.  
  
"Catherine what's wrong?"  
  
"What's wrong? What's wrong!? THIS! This is wrong!"  
  
_Oh I never thought _

_I was hurting you _

_Now I know that I was wrong _

_Now I know just what to do_

_ I will try to be the best that I could be _

_All I need is one more chance _

_To make it up to you you'll see   
_  
She walks back to the living room. I watched her sat down her couch and covered her face with her hands.  
  
I walk over to her; I kneel in front of her.  
  
"Cath – "  
  
"No Gil! We can't do this!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You are getting married! I don't want to be your other woman!"  
  
"Other woman? You are my only woman!"  
  
And I mean that. She is indeed the only woman in my heart, in my mind, my thoughts, my life.  
  
"You are engaged!"  
  
"I'm calling the wedding off"  
  
"I'm not asking you to call your wedding off."  
  
"You're not, I am. It's my wedding, I do the decisions."  
  
"The wedding isn't only yours Gil! What about Wendy?"  
  
And there's one more thing that you ought to know All I know is I don't want you to go   
  
"I don't love her"  
  
"What about you're child? Jeez, Gil your having a baby. When I found out about that, that's why I didn't tell you how I felt! I have been hurting inside watching you go with that woman, and it's all because I found out you two are having a family together."  
  
She stands up and started pacing back and forth. It must have been hard for her. All the pain I must've cause her. But that's in the pass, I'm going to change it. I want to make her happy. I want her to be with me. I want her to be happy with me.  
  
"I don't need to be a husband to be a father."  
  
"What are you saying?"  
  
"Exactly as what I said."  
  
"Your baby is going to need a family."  
  
"And my baby will have one. He's gonna have a mom and a dad to love him and support him. Only his parents won't be married, but we, Wendy and I are still going to be his parents nevertheless."  
  
"Don't be a jerk Gil!"  
  
"If I marry Wendy I won't be happy and knowing that we can't be together despite of the fact of how much you love me, then I'll be miserable. If I'm miserable, I don't think Wendy will be happy with our relationship. And I will not let my baby grow up seeing me and his mother both miserable"  
  
"Okay. Now this is just all my fault I should have not told you!"  
  
_This time _

_I'm not gonna let you turn away _

_This time I'm not gonna let another day go by _

_Without holding you so tight _

_without treating you so right _

_This time I'm not gonna let go of your love_

_ This time I promise you that we'll pass above it all _

_I won't ever let you fall _

_gonna give you my all_   
  
"Look Cath, I love you. Even if you never told me you love me, I'll never be happy with Wendy. And she won't be happy with me. I'd rather raise my child having separated parents than marrying his mother then at a young age make him go through a traumatic experience of seeing his parents getting divorced"  
  
"I don't want to be a home wrecker!"  
  
Honestly, I have never thought of this, of what will happen if I marry Wendy. Coz all I have ever thought of since I was with Wendy is what will happen to me without Catherine not on what will happen to me with Wendy.  
  
I may sound so arrogant, selfish and a self centered bastard but what I have said is true. I'd rather raise my child where I'm not married with his mother but have a good friendly relationship with her, than to raise my child letting him see how miserable me and his mother is.  
  
I can see the doubt and hesitation in her features.  
  
I'll do anything for her. I won't run away this time, I won't let her back away this time.  
  
This time I'm giving her the one thing I've been wanting to give her.  
  
My all.  
  
So I decided to walk towards her.  
  
I stand right in front of her, I take her hand, and I look at her .  
  
"I do believe that a child would be happier to see his parents happy than to see them both miserable. And nothing could make me more happier than being with you Catherine."  
  
_Gonna give you my all.... This time_   
  
=TBC=


	18. With a smile

Disclaimer: CSI and the song isn't mine!

Spoiler: none

A/N: PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!! Okay well, the thing is the POV will be Cath's but the song will be reflecting on Grissom's feelings. Yea you read it right ... Grissom's feelings or his response on what Cath is showing/feeling. I know it may sound weird, and I know it is. Basically I was planning on using this song for Grissom's POV but we've heard enough of his thoughts already. So ... the SONG gil's. POV cath's. Two people in one chapter!!

This might be a weird, crazy and stupid idea ... but ... I just thought this is a good change and I just want to make a little experiment! Oh yea and the song here is With a Smile' by Eraserheads

Chapter 18: With a smile

_Lift your head _

_Baby don't be scared _

_Of the things that could go wrong __along the way_

I'm sitting alone here in the dining room. Gil is fast asleep in the couch. After he told me that nothing could make him happier than being with me, I couldn't say anything else.

He just hugged me, we sat on my couch and we hold onto each other for what seemed like an eternity. I left him there sleeping; I have a lot of questions on my mind.

First and foremost, how the hell did he got that letter? If my memory serves me correctly I threw that letter, I literally threw that in the trashcan right in front of - - Oh damn! Warrick!!

Okay so that answers my first question! Second question, what will happen to us now? We or maybe I shouldn't use that word, I shouldn't get use to using that word. As I was thinking, we - oh shit!

There I go again!

Catherine not we! I. I. I!!

We. We is much more complicated. We is much more harder. We is going to be difficult to forget, and we, we isn't even official yet!!

_You'll get by _

_With a smile _

_You can't win at everything _

_but you can try _

_Baby you don't have to worry _

_Coz there ain't no need to hurry _

_No one ever said that there's an easy way_

Okay so, I'll just skip on that second question and go to the third. Is this right? Oh great! Just great! Way to go Catherine!! That question in even harder!

Well, okay, maybe it's not, coz I know the answer to that. No.

No it isn't right. Aarrgghh.... The answer is even harder!

I can feel tears starting to stream down my eyes .. but you know what else I feel? I can feel his touch wiping my tears away ..

"There's no need to cry."

As I look up to the man who just spoke, I can't help but to stare into his eyes. He's looking into mine too, it's like we're both trying to read each other's thoughts. Honestly I want him to read mine, I have a lot of things going on in my mind, and I don't know how to say it or how to start.

This is happening way to fast for me. If this has happened a few months ago I would have been jumping with joy right now, but now, it's just all so hard. This is the thing, which I feared most, knowing that we love each other but can't be together.

Gil wants us to be together but that isn't right! That wouldn't be fair, but either ways it will always be unfair. It's either unfair for Wendy and the child or to me and Gil. I can not live my life with the guilt of ruining a child's family.

I wish this didn't happen this fast. Just last night I was crying. Crying as I felt the longing as I felt the pain which I planned to endure with me forever.

"You know, there's no hurry. I came here to know what you really felt and to tell you what I feel, I'm not trying to rush you and I never intended to make you confuse." I smile lightly and looked away. Clearly, he was able to read my mind. I just wish I have read his.

_If they're closing all their doors _

_And they don't want you anymore _

_This sounds funny but I'll say it anyway_

If I tell him to stay, I know he will, and I know that everybody is going to hate me for ruining a family. Wendy will hate me, the child will grow up thinking that I was the reason why he .. or she grew up without a family.

If I tell him to go, I'm going to hate myself forever. But what road will I walk on? What life should I choose? A life of guilt with the love of my life. Or the one without guilt but has pain, for I'm not with him. Am I really not worthy to be happy?

I don't think I could bear taking away the chance of a child to grow up with a family. But at the same time I couldn't bear to run away from my happiness.

_I'll stay _

_Through the bad times _

_Even if I have to fetch you everyday_

Everyone is going to hate me. I would be a very bad example for my daughter. I'm going to feel guilt with me forever. I feel his hands touch mine. And from this touch I know, whatever happens he's going to be here with me, and I'm going to be here for him.

_You'll get by with a smile _

_You can never be too happy in this life_

"I'm scared" I said as I finally spoke.

"Me too" I slid my hands out of his.

"Cath "

"What if things don't go our way?"

"We'll still be together"

"What about all the problems?"

"You can never be too happy"

"What if everybody hates me?"

"I'll still love you."

_In a world where everybody hates _

_A happy ending story _

_It's a wonder love can make the world go round_

He'll still love me.

That's what he said.

And I wonder if it's true.

"Have you ever said I love you to Wendy?"

"I told her that she meant a lot to me and that I care for her deeply"

"You're not answering my question."

"No I have never. Why are you asking?"

"If you did told her you love her, how am I to be sure that after three months you wouldn't go away?"

"Do you really see me that low?"

As he stood up I see anger starting to fire up in his eyes. I didn't mean to hurt him nor intended to make it sound that way but I can't help but be bothered. I want to know if he has ever told her these things that he is telling me now.

And I know that I made a wrong move. So I stood up and approached him.

_Lay down everything you've got _

_That turns your face into a frown _

_We'll get along with a little prayer and a song _

_Dudududu dudududu dudududududu_

I touched him by the arm and made him face me.

"Look Gil. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound that way."

I hear no response coming from him. He is just looking at me, and through his eyes I can see he wants me to spill it all.

"I feel scared, and worried and confused. I don't know what to do."

"I feel the same way Cath, I'm also scared and worried and confused but I do know one thing. I know that I could overcome all this if you're with me."

_In a world where everybody hates _

_A happy ending story _

_It's a wonder love can make the world go round _

_Lay down everything you've got_

_ That turns your face into a frown _

_We'll get long with a little prayer and a song_

"Everybody's going to think that I'm a home wrecker and that you're a complete jerk."

"Maybe. But who cares what they think?"

"I do! I don't want Lindsey growing up with people seeing her mother like that!"

"Like what? Like being with the person who loves her?" "

You're making this so hard" I murmured. Doesn't he get it? In most cases the man should be the one thinking of this things. Too bad this isn't most cases!

But well .... He probably feels worst that I do, and again trying to put on a mask, why?

I think I know why. He's trying to be strong for me.

_Lift your head _

_Baby don't be scared _

_Of the things that could go wrong along the way _

_We'll get by with a smile_

_Now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye_

Again I feel my tears falling, again I feel his touch wiping it away, I can feel his lips putting feather kisses on my face.

"It won't be easy, but we'll get by"

I smile as I welcomed him to my embrace.

We can do this. Together.

_With a smile ..._

=TBC=


	19. Rainbow

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: doubt it

A/N: So, so, so SORRY!!! I've finished this fic for probably about a month or two ago, and I guess I just forgot that I haven't posted it here in , coz I really post my fics in another site. Anyways, I want to say thanks to Spikey the Neon BlowFish for reminding me!! The song used here is Rainbow, by Southborders.

Chapter 19: Rainbow

_Fallin out fallin in  
nothings sure in this world no no  
Breaking down breaking in  
never knowing what lies ahead  
We can really never tell it all no no  
_

We are now outside the emergency room. Gil's sitting on the chair across mine, he's covering his face with his hands. I can feel my own tears starting to stream. I know that this is my fault. I knew from the start that being together is wrong but I allowed it to happen.

Now Gil's probably blaming himself, regretting 'us', and hating me.

I don't have the courage to ge near him

to hold him

to comfort him…

to love him.

Knowing that loving him is the reason we are here.

_Say goodbye say hello  
to a lover or friend  
sometimes we could never understand  
why some things begin with just love  
we can never have it all  
no no no ohh_

It has been a week since I came here to Vegas to hear the truth from Catherine. We have decided to keep everything just to ourselves even for just a week. Lindsey went to camp that whole week so Caht and I had the whole house to ourselves. That whole week we promised not to think of anything. WE just enjoyed each other's company. And with all honesty I could say that, that is the happiest week I've ever had in my entire life.

And as we have both promised, we well face everything and everyone after one week. I was already packing my things at that time preparing for my flight back to Canada to talk to Wendy.

_  
But oh, cant you see  
that no matter what happens  
life goes on and on  
And so baby just smile  
coz im always around you  
and i'll make you see  
how beautiful life is for you and me_

The night before he was supposed to go back to Canada, I couldn't sleep. I just stayed up and watched his sleeping form beside me. That whole week was just perfectly beautiful and it saddened me for it needed to end. He was going to Canada to talk to Wendy and I was scared. I know that there is a possibility that he might not come back to me and just stay there with her and their child.

And again I went back to my confused, guilty and hurting stage. I was so scared, I was so scared that he might not come back. After experiencing that whole week I don't think I can handle it knowing that's the last of it.

And now I'm scared again. Coz right now I might loose him again. I know I'm being selfish but I can't help it if that's what I feel.

_  
take a little time baby  
see the butterfly's colors  
listen to the birds that sent to sing for me and you  
can you feel me  
this is such a wonderful place to me  
_

Last night I was awaken by her sobs. I heard her crying beside me. I got up and held her in my arms, I know why she's crying. I know who made her cry. Me. And I know that it is also I who could stop her from crying. I gave her reassurance, I told her the truth, the same truth I've been telling her since I got here. That I love her. I love her and I will do anything to be with her.

I promised her that I'll be back. We both laid down, she used my chest as her pillow, I waited till she fell asleep before I closed my eyes.

When I woke up, she was still in my arms. Waking up everyday with her beside me is what I want my whole life.

_  
even if there is pain now  
everything will be alright  
for as long as the world still turns  
there will be night and day  
can you hear me  
there's a rainbow always after the rain_

I was cleaning up in the kitchen while he packed his things in the bedroom.

I was still feeling scared and nervous but it has already lessened thanks to the reassurance he gave me that night.

The door-bell rang, Lindsey was supposed to come back that morning, with my excitement to see my daughter I ran to the door and opened it with a grin. But as to my surprise it wasn't my daughter on the other side.

It's her. It's Wendy.

"Where's Gil?" Those where the first words I heard from her. Her voice was filled with hurt and hatred. I didn't know what to say, or rather how to say it.

"He's. Um. Uh. He's upstairs" I murmured hoping that she would not hear me clearly.

"YOU selfish, home-wrecker! Bitch!!" She shouted out loud as I felt the palm of her hand slapped across my face.

Honestly, it is not in my character to let things like that happen. Under other circumstances, I would have slapped her thrice, a punch and a scratch just so I could give her a piece of my mind. But this time, I know I'm wrong, I'm the bad guy and I truly deserved it.

_  
Hittin high hittin low  
win or lose you should go  
yeah yeah  
getting warm getting cold  
weather can be so good or bad  
but baby this is life so don't get mad  
no no no  
_

When I heard Wendy's voice shouting from downstairs this morning I panicked. I hurriedly went out to see what was happening, when I arrived I saw Catherine with her head bowed down and saw Wendy pointing at her and saying something with her teeth clenched. I knew right then that she knows already.

I ran to Catherine's side and shielded her from Wendy.

"You! You bastard! How can you do this? You're cheating on me!"

"Wendy ­ "

"I came here to take you home"

"I am home." I said it before I could think about it. It was probably my subconscious and my heart speaking.

"You're leaving me and your child for her?"

"I am not leaving our child. I'd still be the father he or she needs. I'll provide our child with everything and I will make sure that our baby will feel how much I love him."

"No Gil. You have to choose. Me or her? You choose her you will never see even the slightest glimpse of this child's shadow. You choose me, you get to have a family, you get to raise your child but you NEVER in your whole life could see this hoare's face again!"

I remained quiet. She gave me two options, each with the condition of loosing someone that means my whole life to me. I felt as Catherine left my side.

_  
coz ohhh  
can't you see  
that no matter what happens  
life goes on and on  
and so baby just smile  
coz im always around you  
and i'll make you see  
how beautiful life is for you and me_

I left his side. I know what to do.

I came back and gave his hand a squeeze and reluctantly let go.

I moved back, he glanced at me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't help the tears from falling from my eyes.

"Go, be with your child." Those were the words I uttered, then I handed him his suitcase.

He looked me in the eyes as if asking me to explain. I felt that he's in a dilemma and I just want to help him. I don't want to see him hurting, that's why I'm backing away.

"Go Gil!" I insisted. He got the suitcase from my hand and glanced up at Wendy. Wendy wasn't frowning nor smiling, but I can see it in her eyes, she had that victorious look.

She looks at me with so much hate and pity. As if looking to a looser.

Wendy was the first to saunter towards the door, he followed her. Before either of them could get out she looked at me through her shoulder.

"Good bye Catherine" I heard her say.

Then he looked back, he looked at me.

Then he glanced back at Wendy, and then back at me.

He placed his suitcase down and walked his way back to the where I was standing.

I embraced me so tightly, as if never wanting to let go.

But then I had to back away. I held his face for the last time, "Good bye Gil" I whispered the few words which I seem to be saying often this past months. The words that give me such pain and sorrow.

He took my hand and placed them down. "No sweetheart. Not good-bye." Those were the words he said back. Words which made me smile, I almost forgot of Wendy's presence in the room.

_take a little time baby  
see the butterfly's colors  
listen to the birds that sent to sing for me and you  
can you feel me  
this is such a wonderful place to me_

"I hate you!" Wendy screamed. She walked towards me, she slapped me once. Then she continuously punched her fist on my chest. "I hate you! I hate you!" she continued yelling.

I got a grip of her wrist to stop her.

She successfully freed her wrist from my grasp. "You are never going to see this child" she said as if it was a promise to herself as she started to walk away.

"I have a right to that child" I said. She looked back at me with terror on her face, "No! no!" She got my suitcase from the floor and threw it at me. She grabbed every thing in sight and started throwing things.

Neither me nor Catherine knew what to do. We couldn't stop her. I tried to come near her but she just threw more things.

Then she stopped. She placed both her hands on her belly, and there I saw it. Red liquid is starting to run down her legs.

She's bleeding.

_  
even if there is pain now  
everything will be alright  
for as long as the world still turns  
there will be night and day  
can you hear me  
there's a rainbow always after the rain_

Gil ran towards her and carried her as I hurriedly got my car. We drove her here to the hospital.

We've been waiting here long. And we still have no idea what's happening.

Just this morning he chose me over her. But now, now I think he is regretting doing so.

I cannot help but to blame myself in all of this. I have caused Gil to be in such a dilemma, and now, now I know he's regretting and hurting.

How could have I caused such pain to the one person I love so dearly?

I know this is my fault, and I know nothing I could do could ever erase or make things better.

_  
life's full of challenges  
not all the time we get what we want  
but don't despair my dear  
you'll take it each trial  
and you'll make it through the storm  
coz you're strong_

Oh God.

What shall I do?

What can I do?

What if my baby doesn't make it? I will never forgive myself.

This is my fault. I have messed up Wendy, Catherine and my own child's life.

What kind of father am I? My baby isn't even born yet and already I have successfully placed him in danger.

I felt Catherine's hands covered mine. "I'm sorry" she muttered.

"For what?"

"For this. I know that this is my fault - - "

"No. None of this is your fault, it is mine."

Catherine opened her mouth again to say something but before she could the doctor came out.

_  
my faith in you is clear  
so i say once again  
this world's beautiful  
let us celebrate life that is so beautiful  
so beautiful..._

"Are you the father" the doctor asked as Grissom stood up from his chair..

"Yes. Gilbert Grissom" Grissom answered.

"Well Mr. Grissom, I'm Dr. Kolin. Congratulations it's a boy" the doctor gave him a smile and shook his hand.

Grissom couldn't suppress the grin on his face.

"So the baby is fine?" Catherine asked with much anticipation.

"Well of course, but he will have to stay in the hospital since he's premature. He is only seven months." Said the doctor as a matter of factly.

"Seven months?" Grissom repeated incredulously.

"Why what's the matter?" Catherine asked.

"Well, it's only six months. But it will be seven months next week. I'm sorry doctor. You probably just rounded it."

"Mr. Grissom, I think you missed calculated. The baby is exactly in its seventh month" said the doctor.

"Are you sure?" Grissom questioned with which led the doctor to grimace.

"Yes, I am positively sure. Now if you'll excuse me I have attend to some more patients." Said the doctor as he left.

_take a little time baby  
see the butterfly's colors  
listen to the birds that sent to sing for me and you  
can you feel me  
this is such a wonderful place to me_

"Gil?"

"Cath, if that baby is seven months, that can't be mine"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, if it isn't yours, whose is it?"

"It's mine" said the voice.

"Hi! My name is Norman. Norman Bausch."

A man with deep brown eyes, dark hair and stands with 6 foot in height introduced himself.

"I was Wendy's boyfriend. We have already broke up but we had a one-night stand before I left and went to Germany."

"So you never knew she was pregnant." Catherine assumed.

"Yes."

Grissom was too stunned with this new information and the possibility of this baby not being his to talk, so Catherine continued to talk to the man claiming to be the father of the new born child.

"How did you know that she's here and that she's pregnant?" Catherine asked suspiciously, her logical thinking mind starting to work again.

"Wendy's best friend Alexia. Well Alexia was sent by her company to their branch in Singapore, she came back to Canada for Wendy's wedding. It was only last month that she learned that Wendy's pregnant and last week, well, last week she learned I'm the father. I received a call from her 4 days ago, she also told me Wendy came after Grissom, and I'm assuming that that's you." Norman gestured his hand in Grissom's direction.

"That answers the question how you knew of her pregnancy, now, how did you know were in the hospital?" Catherine asked

"I went by the address Alexia gave me. When I arrived your neighbor said you guys rushed here to the hospital" Norman explained.

Grissom shook his head from side to side. He walked his way out and Catherine followed him.

"Gil ­ "

"I can't believe this! She made a fool out of me! I have been anticipating for that child, I have given up a lot of things, I almost lost everything only to learn that this is all a lie!?"

"But hey, there is a bright side."

Grissom looked at Catherine. He was too stunned and angry all at the same time that he has overlooked the good in all of this.

There really is a rainbow after the rain. After all they've been through … this could be the beginning of the rest of their lives.

"Yeah. But, I still don't have a son." Grissom said but the look in his eyes and the smile starting to break from his face is overlapping his disappointment.

"If that's the only problem you got then no need to worry! I'll give you one."

_even if there is pain now  
everything will be alright  
for as long as the world still turns  
there will be night and day  
can you hear me  
there's a rainbow always after the rain_

= TBC


	20. Forevermore

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: thanks for the reviews, and so sorry if it took me forever to update, the song I used here is titled 'Forevermore' by a Filipino band known as Side A. I really do hope that you'll enjoy reading this the same way I enjoyed writing it. )

Chapter 20: Forevermore

_I may have ran out of songs to sing  
I may have ran out of words to say_

I am currently seated on a wooden bench inside the Cathedral. I could hear some people go 'awww', while others shed a tear from their eyes. This is almost the same kind of reaction I noticed in my wedding. Only in my wedding what I can hear most of the time is either, "Finally, they got together" or "What the hell is that bastard doing with that beautiful woman?". Okay so maybe I didn't really hear anybody saying that second statement, but I bet a lot of them is thinking about it.

Or maybe they did say it only I was so enthralled on staring at my wife that I didn't notice it. Like what I'm feeling and doing now - six years of marriage you'd thought I'm already immune of her invigorating presence.

I watch as my wife stand up and nudged me telling me something about the camera. And as I glance at the altar I can see Nick with a big grin on his face and a very tearful Sara both looking on the six year old HANDSOME little boy carrying their wedding rings neatly placed on a white cushion – my son Gil Jr.

Though sometimes I think him and me having the same name is a bad idea, it's getting a little confusing around the house. Like when Catherine is really pissed, well before she calls me Grissom when she's pissed but now she too is a Grissom and so is Lindsey, Gil Jr. and our four year old daughter Candice, the prettiest flower girl and is currently being stopped from jumping to me while taking a photo of his brother by the most beautiful bridesmaid, Lindsey.

_All that I want you to know is what I feel for you  
(I love you) As endless as forever  
Our love will stay together  
You're all I need to be with forevermore_

We have just arrived home from the wedding. Oh God, I'm exhausted! But at least I'm not the only one, coz as it seems my babies are all tired too ... which would mean I'll have my 'big baby' all to myself!

Seriously, at this age I didn't thought I'll still be this flirty towards my husband! Lindsey has finally got over the phase when she used to curse when his father - Gil and I kiss in front of her without a warning, now she either rolls her eyes or close it shut and go away ... along with her brother who has replaced her on whining how gross it is and of course our baby daughter who doesn't really mind and just giggles every time she caught mom and dad kissing.

"Ow!"

"sshhh! You're going to wake up the kids!"

My husband rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to the book he's reading and I return to playing with the hair on his chest.

"Ow!!"

I can't stop myself from giggling with my husband's reaction

"Could you please stop pulling the hair out of my chest?!"

"Fine!!"

"Where are you going?" he asks as I stood up from our bed

"Bathroom. I'm having a shower."

"Are the kids sleeping?"

"Yeah..." I raise my eyebrow as suspicion rises over me

"Even Linds?"

"Like a log."

I watch as my husband put down his book and wear that mischievous boyish grin.

"Uh. Where are YOU going?"

"I'm going to take a shower too."

_There are times when I just want to look at your face  
With the stars in the night_

It's a beautiful night. A beautiful life.

The kids are all asleep inside the house while my wife and I are here out in the backyard. We both decided to take a leave off tonight. Nick and Sara are already back from their honeymoon so Cath and I are both very confident that the lab won't be short handed for tonight.

If only every time I tell my wife how much I love her earns me a dime I'll be the richest man alive. But no matter how much I tell her, it's still not enough. I don't know how to show her or tell her just how much I love her ... but as it seems .... It looks like she knows. Neither words nor action could ever be used to quantify my love for her.

There are times, times like this, when just the sight of her face makes me happy. If only everybody could feel even half the joy I feel.

I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. My family isn't perfect. My relationship with my wife is not perfect. Coz nothing is. My wife and I have encountered a lot of obstacles, and up to now we still have problems and argue about certain things, but I'm thankful for all of it.

Thankful for the times I barely get enough sleep thanks to the kids. Thankful for the times when I almost get a heart attack caused by worrying over Lindsey – that was back on her teenage years. Thankful for the times I thought I was going nuts handling three kids when Cath's not around – and more thankfully that I finally got the hand of being dad even when my wife is not around to back me up.

Thankful for all the lumps I received from her when she used to throw things at me when she was still pregnant – probably why the baby looks a lot like me. Thankful for all the yells I get when she's really pissed. Thankful for all the headaches I get when she won't stop bugging me over things. Thankful for all the glares she throws at me when she's mad.

But most of all, I'm thankful, thankful that every time I glance at my side ... she's there.

_There are times when I just want to feel your embrace  
In the cold of the night_

His arms are wrapped around me, he's pondering ... and so am I. I wonder what he's thinking about. Basing from the smile in his face, I'd say he's thinking about us. Us, me, him, Lindsey, Jr. and Candice.

I remember six years ago, I had a dream, a dream very similar to this, only before it was really only a dream, now ... now it's what's real.

His arms are protectively around my waist, he whispers things in my ears every once in a while, he looks at me .... And when he looks at me I can see the same things I see in my own eyes. There's contentment, love, peace and happiness.

But that doesn't mean our life is perfect. Our life is nothing like that of a fairy tale which ends with a happily ever after. It is not like those romance novels with which has endings that states how perfect everything came to be.

We've had trials before, we have problems now and I know we will have more of that tomorrow, but that doesn't interfere with the real happiness I feel deep inside.

Like all typical couples, we too have our arguments, sometimes petty fights – okay so maybe not only some. We've also have encountered some 'issues' as what we'd like to call it. So life isn't perfect. But it is happy.

_I just can't believe that you are mine know  
You were just a dream that I once knew  
Never thought I would be right for you_

She's mine. She's all mine. I can never get tired of that thought.

I remember way back before, when I use to dream of her, when I use to tell her I love her in my dream and I hear her say it back – in my dream, then I'll wake up the next day knowing that all of it is nothing but an illusion.

Before I thought I was undeserving, that she's too good for me, sometimes I still think of that but most of the time I stick to the known truth ... that we really are meant to be.

As I take my arm out from its protective position around her waist, I use my hand to hold her face and make her face me.

As I caress the soft feel of her face, I held her a little more closer so I that I could kiss her.

And as I stare at her for a moment after that kiss, I can see the glitter in her blue eyes.

_I just can't compare you with anything in this world  
You are all I need to be with forevermore_

I lean a little closer for another kiss.

I lift myself up, and sit on his lap with my arms tangled around his body and my head resting on his shoulder while his arms are protectively around my waist.

I don't think I could think of any where else to right now than here in his arms.

He's my friend, my enemy (at certain times), but most of all he is husband, my love.

He gives me strength.

The sight of him helps me to relax.

His presence gives me security.

The sound of his name makes me smile.

Everything about him makes me so happy. I may sound so mushy, and a lovesick girl but that's the truth, and I am merely putting into words ... or rather thoughts ... what I feel.

I can ask for nothing more. I have a family with Gil and I think that's more than enough, no wait let me rephrase that ... I know that that is more than enough.

_All those years I long to hold you in my arms  
I've been dreaming of you  
Every night I've been watching all the stars that fall down  
Wishing you would be mine_

As I have said before ... I believe in dreams, I believe my dreams will all come true.

As it turns out, I'm right.

All dreams really do come true.

I use to ask myself, what could have I done to deserve this happiness? Then I came across to the thought that happiness didn't come for me.

Happiness will never go after you, for it is you who have to make the choice if you want to be happy or not. I have felt so much pain, confusion, heart break, feelings that has brought me to the lowest emotional point of my life, but thinking back at it now, If I am to relive my life again, I'll never take out those parts. For it is with those feelings that has brought me to what I have and feel now.

Six year ago, I almost lost the chance of being with her. I almost married Wendy and I doubt that I would be able to feel even one-fourth of what I feel now if I did married Wendy.

No, Wendy isn't the problem. Me not feeling even one-fourth of what I feel right now is not because I'll be married to Wendy but because I'll not be married to Catherine.

_I just can't believe that you are mine now  
You were just a dream that I once knew  
I never thought I would be right for you  
I just can't compare you with anything in this world  
You are all I need to be with forevermore_

Before being with Gil was just a dream.

Something I fantasize about, something I day dream about and think about before I sleep.

Now it's more than just a dream, it's the reality.

At this point in my life, I could definitely say that reality is much better than dreaming.

_Time and again there are this changes that we cannot end  
As sure are the stars keep going on and on...  
My love for you will be forevermore..._

Of course things would never be constant. The only constant thing in this world is change.

Things will not always be smooth sailing, but no matter what happens my family will stay together. No will ever be left behind, nothing could ever keep us apart.

As I have said nothing is constant. Our family ties will not be constant, for it will be stronger and tighter.

Same goes with the love Cath and I have. It won't be constant, there will always be change.

I've been feeling it's change everyday, because everyday of my life it keeps on growing.

_I just can't believe that you are mine now  
You were just a dream that I once knew  
Never thought I would be right for you  
I just can't compare you with anything in this world_

Love is not a promise, it's a feeling.

That is why I have never told Gil that I promise to love him forever. But as far as forever goes, no promise is needed for me to be this confident. I need not to promise Gil of my love for him, I'm confident to what I feel this feeling that's so strong that it will last not only forever but forevermore.

_As endless as forever...our love will stay together  
You're all I need to be with forevermore_

"It's getting too cold out here come on let go inside."

"Cath"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"Forever?"

"Forever is not enough my darling. Forever is not enough."

_As endless as forever  
Our love will stay together  
You are all I need to be with forevermore._

END

A/N2: So.... what do you think?? please review!!


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